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Dear America, I own your ass

So shake it real nice and let me see you back it up.

You see, now that we’re nationalizing health insurance, I own you. Well, I don’t actually own you. But I pay taxes and this wonderful new healthcare bill gives me a vested financial interest in your health and well-being. I don’t actually care about you but your choices can cost me money. So, by proxy, I’m going to tell the government that I do not approve of your unhealthy behavior, since it costs me money.

So, don’t be surprised when I start telling the government to tell you to put down the cancer stick because it can kill you. Or when I tell you to run your fat ass around the block a few times because that fat tire expands my tax liability. Or when I tell you that, no, you can’t buy the jumbo pack of Oreo Double Stufs and wash them down with some whole milk. Or when I ask that we implement testing to ensure that you, being the alcoholic you are, have actually stopped drinking.

Want to stick your sausage-like fingers into a bag of Cheetos? Tough. You’re on my dime now.

Not only do I demand equal access to treadmills, I demand chaining males between the ages of 35 and 45 to one for about three hours each week.

I look forward to being a nanny. And you better go floss.

And use a condom, it’s the law.

38 Responses to “Dear America, I own your ass”

  1. Ed Says:

    Don’t forget to attack those liberties the left holds dear. Promiscuous sex? That’s out. So is sex between two men, as the risk of AIDS is markedly higher than for heterosexuals or lesbians. While we’re at it, narcotics use is out. So is travel to countries with nasty diseases, which eliminates Africa, South Asia, much of Southeast Asia and much of Latin America. Also, no more immigrants. They have all sorts of nasty ailments and will add to the cost of healthcare either way. What else?

    Loss of most liberty is the price paid for socialism.

  2. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    Count me in the “meh” camp as well. I’d have rather have seen a bill that flogs the collusionary practices of the insurance companies today and lets me buy on an open commodity market instead of being hamstrung to whomever my company chooses. A person in Montana should get to buy from a company in Louisiana. Nobody wants a true free market system less than the insurance companies who often have monopolies or duopolies over entire states and regions.

    But all the pants shitting hysterics about this being the second coming of the Third Reich or Obama’s Chairman Mao moment sound awfully silly to me as well. This bill will probably be as effective at shutting down private options and nationalizing health care as the USPS has been effective at putting DHL, UPS, and FedEx out of business. Actually, if you’re a fan of the status quo, you should be pretty happy right now, seeing as the post office is having to trim delivery schedules and reduce services.

    If this bill really is liberalageddon, the Dems will be without political capital for a decade or three; best thing to happen to gun rights in YEARS, this bill.

  3. SayUncle Says:

    But all the pants shitting hysterics about this being the second coming of the Third Reich or Obamas Chairman Mao moment sound awfully silly to me as well.

    I agree. But this post is my attempt at what I think we will see someone push for within the next few years.

  4. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    Oh, I wasn’t referring to your post. You haven’t suggested anyone assassinate Nancy Pelosi or suggested that our republic is dead and we’ll all be singing the Nationale Socialistique in re-education camps next week. 🙂

    But login to Facebook folks, it’s certainly out there. Congress passes bad bills all the time (is there another kind?) and yet our way of life carries on. Health care reform of one kind or another is inevitable, so let’s keep our eyes on the prize.

  5. TomcatsHanger Says:

    The comparison of USPS to UPS and Fedex is misleading.

    So far, the feds havn’t stepped in and told Fedex and UPS that they have to charge the same fixed rates the postal service does.

  6. Drake Says:

    Has that sanctimonious prick stopped smoking yet?

  7. j t bolt Says:

    Actually, I want them to pick up the cigarettes. One, the tax money that comes in from this source defrays the cost to me. Which is only good if total healthcare outlays on smokes is less than non-smokes. Which it very well may be, depending on whose numbers you beleive. Yes, it’s pricey to lung related end of life care to smokers. But it’s more pricey to do other end of life and geriatric care to the non smokers because they have that extra 20 years to avail themselves of the ‘free’ healthcare.

  8. Dan Says:

    When can I expect that raise from my job thanks to the 3000% savings that Obama said will happen because my company is saving so much from health insurance.

  9. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    FedEx and UPS compete in a pretty heavily regulated space and directly with a public entity; nothing in the bill that I’ve read dictates what private entities can charge, but much like the post office provides a low margin service for the least desirable business, that’s exactly what this bill appears to be targeting. The analogy seems pretty apt, actually. Of course it’s not perfectly analogous, as you don’t need to send mail and when you do need to send it, you have to pay for it and the post office isn’t obligated to “treat” you the way a doctor is.

    But the idea that public and private entities can’t coexist seems to not pass the sniff test. Blackwater/Xe seems to be doing just fine.

  10. Armageddon Rex Says:

    The big problem is not with the healthcare itself, although limited choices and rationing of care are issues.

    The biggest problem is expense. If this falls out like every other government run entitlement program in history it will expand far beyond even the grossest of todays estimates. Costs will be double, or quadruple the highest estimated cost weve heard from CBO thus far.

    With increasing cost of paying for our national debt and all the health care and retirement goodies congress is voting for you can kiss our world dominating military goodbye!

    Last night our congress voted to turn the U.S. into a 2nd class world power. They made the same choice as the British parliament following World War II. Parliament chose to renounce leadership of the civilized world, and give a government guaranteed soft, easy life to their constituents. The current administration chose to stop production of the F-22, and are trying to stop production of the C-17, and are looking at reducing numbers of the F-35, next will be reducing our numbers of submarines and aircraft carriers. These are the tools our military needs to project power throughout the world.

    In their defense, Britain had just witnessed an extremely graphic demonstration that a younger, powerful, nation was now ready willing and able to pick up the torch of the enlightenment, rule of law, individual liberty, and western civilization, and carry it forward. The U.S. served as the standard bearer for western civilization for 70 years. Nobody is waiting in the wings to pick up the torch from us!

    Last night, our congress weasels voted to give up on Western Civilization as the dominant culture on earth. So much for liberty and the enlightenment, back to darkness for all us serfs!

    Oh well, I like Chinese food. I guess I better get my kids enrolled in Mandarin classes ASAP.

  11. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    We’re no longer pursuing interventionist, imperialistic Cold War policies, and that’s tied to healthcare?

    I rest my case re: PSH.

    And don’t misread me, I agree the era of American unilateral dominance is coming to a close. But it isn’t because of health care reform. It’s because we can’t afford it regardless of whether poor people go to the ER or have a primary care doctor.

  12. Shootin' Buddy Says:

    I, for one, welcome the Bully State!


  13. SPQR Says:

    The Democrats’ case for the finances of the legislation were completely, knowingly and brazenly fraudulent. The CBO report was based on bogus assumptions forced on the CBO. The result is that the Democrats have turned what was a financial disaster that was the US Federal budget into a catastrophe. We now have a financial future of the form of nations like Spain and Greece.

    Given their criticisms of the Bush administration’s own financial follies of a magnitude less in impact, they should be tarred and feathered.

    We’ll have to work on that between now and November.

  14. TomcatsHanger Says:

    Wait, so you are saying that the Postal Service is not regulated by Federal decree? Or are you changing the subject for the hell of it?

    Right now, today, I cannot buy low margin health insurance from the Federal Government, unless I meet some pretty wacked out criteria, in which case it’s generally free.

    But in the same way UPS, FedEx, and DHL do not compete for or provide regular door to door mail service to every home in the United States of America, in large part due to the lack of possible profit due to the Federally subsidized United States Postal Service, I foresee the coming failure of many of the more mundane services provided by Health Insurance Companies.

    When the government subsidizes something with tax money, private companies cannot compete to provide the same services, especially on the low end. The Federal Government can use it’s printing presses to prop up unprofitable endeavors, private companies get invested for doing the same.

    Now the question is, are you being disingenuous when you argue that the United States Postal Service hasn’t put the United Parcel Service, Federal Express, or DHL out of business?

    USPS existed before any of those companies, and those companies helped push USPS into being more competitive, by using government money to compete with the services private companies developed.

    Even today, the Federal Government is looking to impose even more restrictions on Federal Express. Hardly seems fair.

    Now we have but to look at the Toyota Recall to see how Government treats it’s competition when it moves into markets. And that should be one hell of a wake up call.

    Health Insurance will devolve into a niche market, doing things that the Federal Government won’t allow whatever they call whatever we end up with do.

  15. JJR Says:

    Shorter Uncle:

  16. RML Says:

    Well guys, now you know how Dems felt in the Reagan/Bush/Bush years. The GOP lost this one.

    End of Western civ? Hardly.

    What’s Rush’s estimated date of departure? As a Man of Integrity, you know he’ll keep his word. He’s Rush Limbaugh.

  17. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    How is that changing the subject? The post office and it’s private competitors can coexist because the post office provides a service and services a constituency that isn’t profitable or desirable (ie, mailing letters for $0.42 a pop); just as FedEx and DHL don’t want to be in the business of bringing your junk mail to your front door, the insurance companies don’t want to be in the business of covering poor people who’ve been going to the ER and can’t afford coverage. Is it an ideal setup? No.

    But it’s not the end of the republic scenario I keep hearing about in my inbox either.

  18. SayUncle Says:

    the post office has no private competitors for its largest business segment because no one is allowed, by law, to compete.

  19. Spook45 Says:

    Heh; this is a good one!?!? I wrote to my congress criter a looooonnng time ago and told one that if he voted for this bill, there would be TAR AND FEATHERS in his future!! He did not vote for the bill because I was not the only one to tell him that. The other, I quaintly informed him that I would not sign up for it, I would not pay for it I would pay no extra taxes or subsidies to pay for someone elses, and that if the bill passed it would litteraly make me a criminal. I then asurred him that if I was “criminalized” for nothing, that I would get my moneys worth. I then proceded to explain that I WOULD TAKE UP ARMS IF NECESSARY and that if the REVENUERS came to my door that iwould STACK THEM UP LIKE SANDBAGS!! I ma prooud to say that the congress critiers in MY district listen to the people, they all voted against it. The next Morning, that congressman was at a local restaraunt taking questions about the health care bill. I feel that the time is NIGH, and it may be soon that need our LIBERTY TEETH to protect our freedom. I thank god that I live in TN and our state govt listens to us. They are making law against the health care mandate to protect its citizens from the fed. I suggest you ALL write your congress criters and support that state legislation. Other than that all I can say is ……..BUY MORE AMMO

  20. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    Not that anyone would want to compete in that space–even with no competitors, the USPS is still losing its ass, and in a hurry. They’re providing a dinosaur, and one that nobody wants to compete for.

    Sure it’s a little different as the USPS is entirely self funded, but I think the point stands even more firmly–even if you’re not allowed to compete with it in certain sectors, private companies still persist and thrive by comparison. The idea that the public option means instant death for Kaiser Permanente and UHC and Humana seems pretty clearly to be assuming facts not in evidence.

  21. Oscar Says:

    I am an immigrant to these shores, so maybe I’m just an ignorant peasant who learned nothing from the tribulations of his native land. There, too, the socialists created a system of universal health care and, yes, it was done “for the people”. Perhaps I ought to give greater weight to Obama’s promises and discount entirely the things I saw myself: the long lines, the dearth of doctors, the lack of medicines, the infections and dirty hospital rooms, re-using syringes for lack of supplies… Had you seen what I have seen, you would not laugh off so easily what has just happened to this country, the terrible step that has been taken down a dark road.

    It’s fascinating that visitors to this blog claim to care about gun rights, for those will be taken away from you, too. By the time we reach the destination that Obama has envisioned, you will not have the freedom to choose your doctor, you will not have the freedom to own a gun. Consider first: The health care bill creates a board that will determine acceptable medical practices. This board, under the guise of “well-being”, can inform physicians about recognized “health hazards”, and can compel doctors to to follow its standards rather than their own clinical knowledge. Consider second: there is a large body of medical/epidemiological research concluding that guns are “hazardous”, that gun violence is an “epidemic” that must be addressed via public health efforts. It will not take much to convince physicians that guns are “unnecessary” threats to the health of the public. Consider third: when, not if, a single-payer system has been established (the destination of which I spoke above), the government will have the authority to assess whether you are complying with federally-approved medical advice; after all, you will be effectively a ward of the State. I imagine that failure to comply with federally-mandated medical advice will garner some form of fine, a hefty one. I hope you intend to be very rich by then, to pay the fines imposed on you under ObamaCare for ignoring doctor’s orders to rid yourself of a known medical “hazard”, i.e., your guns.

    Oh, it won’t happen tomorrow or next week. That I will grant you. As you laugh your merry way down the road to socialism, remember this: once, long ago, an ignorant immigrant from a backwater country no one remembers anymore, who lived the socialist “dream”, warned you to stop before it was too late.

    And you laughed, and you mocked those who would warn you of the peril.

  22. SayUncle Says:

    you presume that I’m just laughing and mocking. we still vote.

  23. Armageddon Rex Says:


    You have the U.S. Postal Service business model all wrong.

    Any important document generated by anyone outside the government is sent via FedEx, DHS, etc. already.

    The vast bulk of U.S. mail is government bureaucratic paperwork and taxpayer subsidized junk advertisements.

    I know this is anecdotal, but among people Ive spoken with, from gardeners to quite wealthy business owners, everyone complains about the huge amount of unsolicited snail mail they receive, most of it 1st class at that. For every piece of real correspondence I seem to receive 5-10 pieces of unsolicited crap.

    If it werent cheap, the advertisers would find other ways to spend their advertising dollars. Its only cheap because all of us taxpayers are subsidizing it!

    I say stop subsidizing cheap advertising for businesses. If they really want my attention, they can just keep spamming my email and telephoning in the middle of supper, and putting up tasteless and annoying signs that ruin my vision when Im driving at night.

    Why should I help pay for their unwanted and annoying advertising at all.

    And, this should appeal to you; we could save acres of trees every day by doing away with taxpayer-subsidized junk mail!

  24. Number9 Says:

    Shorter PGP, cap and trade is next.

  25. SayUncle Says:

    rex, i’d say netflix should take over the USPS 😉

  26. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    They’re providing a dinosaur too ;). In a few years when we all have fiber into our homes, you won’t even see CDROMS anymore and DVDs…forget snail mail. As quirky and annoying as their devices are, Apple’s got one thing right–all media will eventually come straight to you via IP.

    Armageddon, no I think I have it right–that’s the point. The desirable business is owned by those guys because the govt isn’t good at the precision product those guys deliver, and the USPS is relegated to that annoying first class mail junk mail delivery role regardless of what the law says. The USPS is a rare agency in that stamps pay for the services it provides, and not a revenue stream from taxation. So it’s not perfectly analogous…if you don’t have stamp money, there’s no obligation for the postman to deliver your letter to its intended recipient…whereas when you arrive at the ER bleeding from the head, the doctor has to treat you regardless of whether you have insurance. I was merely pointing out that govt can pick up less desirable business without putting the carriers of the desirable stuff out of business overnight.

  27. RML Says:


  28. Bram Says:

    The best part about that treadmill plan is that a lot of you fat bastards who have not exercised in decades will just drop dead. Then I won’t have to pay for your care.

  29. monkeyfan Says:

    The consolidation and financial socialization of .gov control over the sovereignty of one’s body and actions is a wee bit more expensive than their centralized distribution of a piece of [spam] mail.

    Like butter and bacon with your biscuits…Or even the canned variety of Spam?

    Too f’n bad!
    Pay the revenuer’s fine or go to jail.
    Besides, eating animals is bad for mother Gaia and the health-care budget.

  30. dustydog Says:

    Right now, the official unemployment rate is 10%. The actual number of Americans wanting jobs is 20%. And illegal immigrants hold down 8 to 10% of the jobs in this country.

    Under ObamaCare, keeping part-time employees will be cost-prohibitive. Some jobs will consolidate into full-time positions, but most of those jobs will be under-the-table jobs, about 8-15% of all Americans. When America gets accustomed that level of ignoring laws, the broken-window effect will ripple through society.

    CNN is reporting today that for an average household, health care premiums will raise federal taxes $10k per year. More incentive to have the better half work off-the-books.

  31. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    An interesting take.

    The short version…it ain’t as big as you think.

  32. John Smith Says:

    Lets enjoy a list of government controlled businesses Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Amtrack, Federal Reserve, and TVA are just a few of the many “successful” businesses the government has made better.

  33. straightarrow Says:

    It appears that most of you are goofy as a three-peckered billy goat. All your analyses of “the biggest problem” misses the Goddamned biggest problem.\

    Mandates from government to purchase goods and/or services or face punishment is not something done in a free society. Creating laws against constitutional strictures is not something done in a free society.

    It appears you guys don’t get it. Your country was murdered March 21, 2010.

  34. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    If that was the case, our country was murdered a long time before that. You can’t go 15 seconds around here without car insurance before the fascists at the MVA are hunting for you.

  35. Mikee Says:

    Sebastian: I don’t have to own a car, so I don’t have to buy auto insurance. And even if I do drive, I don’t have to get collision insurance, just liability (at least here in Texas). I do have to live (considering the alternative) so if it is mandated that I buy not only my own health insurance but also pay for someone else’s, that is a very different thing.

    The rolling donut is crossing the hot parking lot now, may I suggest you take a flying leap at it?

  36. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    Distinction without a difference. The point being that there are circumstances where govt can force you to buy insurance already, and there are exceptions even in heavy handed states like MD (ie, you can just not own a car…which kinda makes life difficult if you wanna drive places), just as there are exceptions in this bill.

    The point just went flying past your head, may I suggest you try to follow the plot instead of calling ticky tack fouls?

  37. SebastianWho'llGetHisBlogRunningEventually Says:

    And for fuck’s sake lighten the fuck up, it was pretty obvious I was ribbing him–as though the fact that there are exceptions in both cases changes the fact that, in reality, govt’s been doing that sort of thing for a damn long time…geebus.

  38. Laughingdog Says:

    I think Bram, in comment #28, wins the day.

Remember, I do this to entertain me, not you.

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