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Vacation Reruns: It came with the penis

From 2003:

There are a few things my loyal readers should know. One of which is that I have a penis. This is not a post about me having a particularly extraordinary penis but a report on how the penis affects thinking and cognition. Penis-bearing beings have several deficiencies but Im only discussing one of those deficiencies today. Apparently, a penis affects visual capabilities, particularly color recognition. A human being with a penis can only distinguish about eight or so colors, even though according to Windows 2000 there are at least 24 million colors (all of which are distinguishable to entities that do not have penises). More interesting is the fact that the amount of time devoted to the penis is inversely proportionate to the number of colors distinguishable. For example, my pup spends a great deal of his time engaging in the following activities:

Showing his penis to our other dog.
Showing his penis to me and the wife.
Sniffing his penis.
Showing his penis to any strangers that may be near.
Licking his penis.
Pointing his penis in the direction of the Sun.

The result of all this attention to his penis is that he only sees in black and white. My conclusion is not based on any scientific evidence but merely the fact that he seems not at all impressed by my 60 inch color television. A friend of mine used to have a Labrador. This Labrador was not particularly smart as he could do only one trick. The command for this trick was Show me your dude and Ill let you guess what followed. Later this Labrador was hit by a car and Im convinced that the reason he was hit by a car was because he was completely blind from showing people his dude all the time (even the neighborhood kids picked up on it).

This past weekend, the wife and I cancelled our vacation (damn SARS!) and decided to spend our time painting the master bedroom and the master bath. I hate painting for two reasons: 1) I dont enjoy it and 2) I suck at it. If youre marriage can survive the painting experience, you will enjoy a long life together. If not, one of you will be dead.

Prior to this weekend, our master bedroom was a color called China Doll. Now, every penis-bearing person reading this is thinking China Doll is not a color, its an oriental figurine or the name of a porn star. See, China Doll is a very, very light shade of brown or possibly a dark shade of white. There is some debate in the scientific world of color evaluation as to what color it really is. We (and by we, I mean the wife) decided that we needed to change from China Doll to Apple Butter. Again, penis-bearing individuals are thinking that Apple Butter is something you put on biscuits or the name of a porn star. Apple Butter is a slightly darker shade of brown (or possibly white, were still not sure) than China Doll.

Also confusing to penis-laden individuals is why there is a need to change one shade of brown (or possibly white) to a slightly different shade of brown (or possibly white). The reason for this is only known to non-penis-laden individuals. After the wife made the first stroke with the roller, I said I cant see the difference and her response was Youre blind.

This time, the wife and I managed to paint two rooms without getting divorced or killing each other. The last time we painted, we were at each others throats the entire time. It got so bad that I pondered whether or not a psychiatrist could convincingly testify in court to the fact that inhalation of paint fumes combined with indistinguishable shades of brown (or possibly white) could cause temporary insanity in particular penis-bearing individuals.

Next up was the bathroom (which was China Doll as well). The new color for the bathroom is Savannah Moss, which again penis-bearing individuals are thinking Thats not a color, thats a fungus in Georgia or a porn star. Savannah Moss is light shade of green (or possibly white). This time, however, I could distinctly see the difference between Savannah Moss and China Doll.

Next weekend, the wife and I need two new porn stars to do the guest rooms.

12 Responses to “Vacation Reruns: It came with the penis”

  1. JimB Says:

    Good luck with that. Let me know how it works out for you.

  2. Kevin Baker Says:

    Best. Post. EVER.

    Back when you were, you know, writing actual posts.

  3. mikee Says:

    I worked in a lab where we got a contract to test batch to batch differences in cloth that had been dyed. We had a neat optical scanner that used wavelength comparisons to determine exactly the differences or similarity between two samples of cloth.

    The guy who ran the tests could see no difference in any of the samples. None. At. All.

    A female coworker came into the lab one day, looked at a pile of red samples from about 50 different dye lots, and said, “What’s with all the different-colored cloth swatches?”

    The guy immediately asked her to separate them into order, “lightest” to “darkest,” and to match any that were identical. She did so. It took her two minutes or so.

    Then he ran the samples under the scanner. Two hours later, of the 50 samples, only one of her “identical” samples was found to be optically “different” from its match, and that by not enough to make any difference in sale of the cloth.

    The female worker was 98% correct by eyeball much more quickly than the machine, and the one error in her eyeball analysis was so small as to almost pass the optical scanner test.

    I have never questioned my wife’s ability to select paint color, upholstery, tiles, or drapes, in part because of this experience.

  4. ChrisM Says:

    My wife and I came up with the following method for surviving the painting process.

    -She buys the paint. I offer nothing beyond a nod of approval when she shows me what she got.
    -She leaves and I paint. She cannot come in to the room while I am painting. Sole exception is to see the first pass of two with the roller to verify the color.
    -When I’m finished, she comes in inspect and points out any areas that might need an addition touch-up.

    This method results in both of us being relatively happy with the outcome, and nearly eliminates conflict.
    Works for us.

  5. Mark Matis Says:

    Well if you need TWO new porn stars for your painting adventures, might I propose “Weepy” and “Post Turtle”? They are, unfortunately, both homosexual, and they thoroughly enjoy brewing fresh hot black tea. But among the Democrats and Rove Republicans, they are the “ne plus ultra” of porn stars.

  6. CMonster556 Says:

    Laughed my ass off.

    New game show: Paint color or porn star?

  7. Publius Says:

    I have a penis. Most of my job involves matching colors. I was always pretty good at colors, but especially now I am waay better at it than most non-penis-owning primates. It’s all about training, practice, and motivation.

    FWIW I care nothing for the names–that’s for S&M (sales & marketing) to hash out. I just make sure it looks right.

  8. Robert Says:

    LOL. Reading this was a great way to start off a Friday!!

  9. That Guy Says:

    Right now, my wife is trying to get me to choose between two gray (or possibly white) colors called “North Star” and “Olympus White”.

    Yes, both of those could be porn stars.

  10. Jailer Says:

    Heh @ChrisM that is the exact same painting procedure used in our household. The last painting project (an entire downstairs) the warden wasn’t allowed back in the house until I was done.

  11. Lyle Says:

    “…inhalation of paint fumes combined with indistinguishable shades of brown (or possibly white) could cause temporary insanity in particular penis-bearing individuals.”

    I hate it when that happens.

  12. Jeffersonian Says:

    Being somewhat color blind (red/green, of course) I can opt out of most color decisions, but just the other night while trying to order a Bulliet Bourbon on the rocks I was asked orange label or green. The one that says Bourbon on it, I replied. I can still spell.