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I need a good laugh. fast.

So, hit me with a good one-liner. I’ll start:

You know, you really have to hand it to a blind hooker . . .

48 Responses to “I need a good laugh. fast.”

  1. mikee Says:

    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

  2. orbitup Says:

    A baby seal walks into a club.

  3. Magus Says:

    A man walks into a bar… which is really strange since you’d think he’d see a building that big.

  4. Brick Says:

    My proctologist asked me to say something funny, so I told him I had Taco Bell for lunch.

  5. Miguel Says:

    A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes I am.”
    He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. “Sure hold on a second.”
    The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.”
    The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook.”

  6. tincankilla Says:

    Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off his horse and helping your uncle jack off his horse.

  7. treefroggy Says:

    Two Irishmen walk out of a bar . ( It really has happen )

  8. Yj Says:

    Know the difference between a fag & a refrigerator?

    The refrigerator won’t fart when you pull the meat out.

  9. Mike Crikey Says:

    A horse walks in to a bar, the bartender says “hey buddy, why the long face?”

  10. Rivrdog Says:

    You know, you really have to hand it to a blind hooker, but after that, she will use her mouth.

  11. Mr Evilwrench Says:

    The doctor says I should be drinking more whisky. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.

  12. Weer'd Beard Says:

    I swear I’d never be caught dead with a necrophile!

  13. nk Says:

    A girl stopped me on the street and said, “Sir, can you help me? I haven’t eaten in two days.” And I said, “Force yourself, you’re too thin.”

  14. Bill Says:

    You really have to hand it to a blind hooker because a guide dog costs extra.

  15. Tremaine Says:

    A colonoscopy is SO expensive. And you better hope they get it right the first time because they charge at least a thousand dollars a crack!

  16. TS Says:

    Two neutrons are walking down the street. One of them says, “hey, I think I’m losing electrons.”
    The other says, “are you positive?”

    Now for the dirty one:

    Two sperm are swimming along. One of them says, “man, I’m getting tired, how long until we reach the Fallopian tube?”
    The other answers, “Long way. We just passed the tonsils.”

  17. phenicks Says:

    Why did the hookers leave the leaper colony? The tips were falling off.

  18. TS Says:

    Gravity: it’s not just a good idea, it’s The Law.

  19. nk Says:

    A Muslim, a Mormon, and a Baptist, walk into a bar and the Baptist says, “What are we doing here?”

  20. SPQR Says:

    Q: What’s the temperature inside a Tauntaun? A: Lukewarm.

  21. JFT Says:

    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender “How much for a beer?” Bartender replies, “for you, no charge.”

  22. orbitup Says:

    Why do you take two Southern Baptists fishing with you instead of just one?

    If you take one he’ll drink all of your beer.

  23. phenicks Says:

    How to you know the toothbrush was invented in Tennessee? Everywhere else would have called it a teethbrush.

  24. BGMiller Says:

    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
    Bartender looks up and asks, “what is this, some kinda joke?”

  25. Pogue Says:

    If you like your insurance, you can keep your insurance.

  26. Bob Smith Says:

    Did you hear that Beethoven could not find his teacher? He was Haydn.

  27. Rob Says:

    A gorgeous blonde walks up to the barman and orders a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.

  28. Weer'd Beard Says:

    Why are divorces so expensive? Because they’re WORTH it!

    (Tell this one to the wife CONSTANTLY! She knows she married an asshole!)

  29. Rob Says:

    Have you heard the one about the Jonestown Massacre? I’d tell it but the punch line’s too long.

  30. RWH Says:

    Why is the University of Tennessee’s team color, orange?

    So Tennessee fans can go hunting, serve their community service, and go to the game, all without changing clothes.

  31. Tango Says:

    So, two Nazis walk into a BAR.

  32. DAD Says:

    Question? How do you keep a dog from humpimg your leg?
    Answer:Pick him up and give him a blow job.

  33. jeremy Says:

    So I finally get the courage to make a pass at this smokin hot chick at the bar. Since I’m no prize I figure humor is my best bet.

    So I says to her “I’d like to tell you a story about my dick but its too long”

    She smiles and replies “I could tell you a joke about my pussy…but you’ll never get it.”

  34. nk Says:

    DAD, that’s the screening test for membership in PETA.

  35. Ancient Woodsman Says:

    Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like an old banana.

  36. Patrick Says:

    Says my friend to a girl in a bar: You should come home with me – I’m going to have you later so you might as well be there for it.

    True story. Hell of an ice breaker. It kinda worked, too.

  37. Jerry Says:

    How do you know if your hooker is full? Her nose is running.

  38. Robert Says:

    Two Hydrogen atoms were walking down the street. One turned to the other and said, “I think I lost an electron.”

    The second Hydrogen atom said, “Are you sure?”

    The first one replied, “I am positive!”

  39. Snackeater Says:

    Yesterday I was going to donate some blood but the lady there got all personal and starting asking questions like “Whose blood is this?” and “Where did you get it?” so I just left.

  40. Ancient Woodsman Says:

    Author Stephen King was asked where he got all of his terrible, scary ideas. “Well, I actually only have the heart of a little boy,” he replied with a grin. “I keep it in a jar on my desk.”

  41. Ancient Woodsman Says:

    My uncle offered to make me a dry martini, to which I replied that such would be nice, but that I’m not drinking gin anymore. My wife chimed in with, “Go ahead and make him one. He’s certainly not drinking it any less, either.”

  42. John Farrier Says:

    “I saw a sign that said ‘watch for children’ and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

    -Demetri Martin

  43. CMonster Says:

    Did you hear the one about the midget psychic who escaped from Folsom? Police are looking for a small medium at large.

  44. mike Says:

    It’s so cold outside, I saw a Democrat with his hands in his OWN pocket!

  45. Paul Says:

    A lady walks into a hardware store looking to buy a nut. The man behind the counter says, “lady you want a screw for the nut?” The lady says “ no but I’ll blow ya for a toaster.”

  46. lmt Says:

    A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

  47. SPQR Says:

    http://theworstthingsforsale.com/2013/12/30/vagina-toaster/

  48. Huck Says:

    “Did you know that under my clothes I’m stark naked?”