I need a good laugh. fast.
So, hit me with a good one-liner. I’ll start:
You know, you really have to hand it to a blind hooker . . .
48 Responses to “I need a good laugh. fast.”
Remember, I do this to entertain me, not you.
Uncle Pays the Bills
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January 5th, 2014 at 5:22 pm
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
January 5th, 2014 at 5:38 pm
A baby seal walks into a club.
January 5th, 2014 at 5:54 pm
A man walks into a bar… which is really strange since you’d think he’d see a building that big.
January 5th, 2014 at 6:03 pm
My proctologist asked me to say something funny, so I told him I had Taco Bell for lunch.
January 5th, 2014 at 6:04 pm
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes I am.”
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. “Sure hold on a second.”
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.”
The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook.”
January 5th, 2014 at 6:32 pm
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off his horse and helping your uncle jack off his horse.
January 5th, 2014 at 6:54 pm
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar . ( It really has happen )
January 5th, 2014 at 6:55 pm
Know the difference between a fag & a refrigerator?
The refrigerator won’t fart when you pull the meat out.
January 5th, 2014 at 6:55 pm
A horse walks in to a bar, the bartender says “hey buddy, why the long face?”
January 5th, 2014 at 7:45 pm
You know, you really have to hand it to a blind hooker, but after that, she will use her mouth.
January 5th, 2014 at 8:07 pm
The doctor says I should be drinking more whisky. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
January 5th, 2014 at 8:22 pm
I swear I’d never be caught dead with a necrophile!
January 5th, 2014 at 9:07 pm
A girl stopped me on the street and said, “Sir, can you help me? I haven’t eaten in two days.” And I said, “Force yourself, you’re too thin.”
January 5th, 2014 at 9:10 pm
You really have to hand it to a blind hooker because a guide dog costs extra.
January 5th, 2014 at 9:48 pm
A colonoscopy is SO expensive. And you better hope they get it right the first time because they charge at least a thousand dollars a crack!
January 5th, 2014 at 10:01 pm
Two neutrons are walking down the street. One of them says, “hey, I think I’m losing electrons.”
The other says, “are you positive?”
Now for the dirty one:
Two sperm are swimming along. One of them says, “man, I’m getting tired, how long until we reach the Fallopian tube?”
The other answers, “Long way. We just passed the tonsils.”
January 5th, 2014 at 10:19 pm
Why did the hookers leave the leaper colony? The tips were falling off.
January 5th, 2014 at 10:20 pm
Gravity: it’s not just a good idea, it’s The Law.
January 5th, 2014 at 10:40 pm
A Muslim, a Mormon, and a Baptist, walk into a bar and the Baptist says, “What are we doing here?”
January 5th, 2014 at 10:51 pm
Q: What’s the temperature inside a Tauntaun? A: Lukewarm.
January 5th, 2014 at 11:14 pm
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender “How much for a beer?” Bartender replies, “for you, no charge.”
January 6th, 2014 at 12:04 am
Why do you take two Southern Baptists fishing with you instead of just one?
If you take one he’ll drink all of your beer.
January 6th, 2014 at 1:14 am
How to you know the toothbrush was invented in Tennessee? Everywhere else would have called it a teethbrush.
January 6th, 2014 at 1:21 am
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender looks up and asks, “what is this, some kinda joke?”
January 6th, 2014 at 1:50 am
If you like your insurance, you can keep your insurance.
January 6th, 2014 at 4:49 am
Did you hear that Beethoven could not find his teacher? He was Haydn.
January 6th, 2014 at 8:57 am
A gorgeous blonde walks up to the barman and orders a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.
January 6th, 2014 at 9:05 am
Why are divorces so expensive? Because they’re WORTH it!
(Tell this one to the wife CONSTANTLY! She knows she married an asshole!)
January 6th, 2014 at 9:09 am
Have you heard the one about the Jonestown Massacre? I’d tell it but the punch line’s too long.
January 6th, 2014 at 10:33 am
Why is the University of Tennessee’s team color, orange?
So Tennessee fans can go hunting, serve their community service, and go to the game, all without changing clothes.
January 6th, 2014 at 10:34 am
So, two Nazis walk into a BAR.
January 6th, 2014 at 10:43 am
Question? How do you keep a dog from humpimg your leg?
Answer:Pick him up and give him a blow job.
January 6th, 2014 at 11:03 am
So I finally get the courage to make a pass at this smokin hot chick at the bar. Since I’m no prize I figure humor is my best bet.
So I says to her “I’d like to tell you a story about my dick but its too long”
She smiles and replies “I could tell you a joke about my pussy…but you’ll never get it.”
January 6th, 2014 at 11:57 am
DAD, that’s the screening test for membership in PETA.
January 6th, 2014 at 12:45 pm
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like an old banana.
January 6th, 2014 at 1:14 pm
Says my friend to a girl in a bar: You should come home with me – I’m going to have you later so you might as well be there for it.
True story. Hell of an ice breaker. It kinda worked, too.
January 6th, 2014 at 1:56 pm
How do you know if your hooker is full? Her nose is running.
January 6th, 2014 at 1:57 pm
Two Hydrogen atoms were walking down the street. One turned to the other and said, “I think I lost an electron.”
The second Hydrogen atom said, “Are you sure?”
The first one replied, “I am positive!”
January 6th, 2014 at 3:37 pm
Yesterday I was going to donate some blood but the lady there got all personal and starting asking questions like “Whose blood is this?” and “Where did you get it?” so I just left.
January 6th, 2014 at 4:56 pm
Author Stephen King was asked where he got all of his terrible, scary ideas. “Well, I actually only have the heart of a little boy,” he replied with a grin. “I keep it in a jar on my desk.”
January 6th, 2014 at 5:00 pm
My uncle offered to make me a dry martini, to which I replied that such would be nice, but that I’m not drinking gin anymore. My wife chimed in with, “Go ahead and make him one. He’s certainly not drinking it any less, either.”
January 6th, 2014 at 6:11 pm
“I saw a sign that said ‘watch for children’ and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
-Demetri Martin
January 6th, 2014 at 7:20 pm
Did you hear the one about the midget psychic who escaped from Folsom? Police are looking for a small medium at large.
January 7th, 2014 at 1:54 am
It’s so cold outside, I saw a Democrat with his hands in his OWN pocket!
January 7th, 2014 at 3:16 am
A lady walks into a hardware store looking to buy a nut. The man behind the counter says, “lady you want a screw for the nut?” The lady says “ no but I’ll blow ya for a toaster.”
January 7th, 2014 at 6:59 pm
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
January 7th, 2014 at 7:38 pm
http://theworstthingsforsale.com/2013/12/30/vagina-toaster/
January 9th, 2014 at 3:52 am
“Did you know that under my clothes I’m stark naked?”