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Yearly Physical: Post Four Oh

So, I’m 40 for the better part of the year now. And this changes things when you go for the annual physical, which I had today. They want to scope your front and your rear. I told them I had that done already due to some GI issues blogged a bit back. So, no DP from me this year. Then, he was checking out the franks and beans. Satisfied my dudes weren’t hard as rocks (apparently, when dudes get cancer they become less sensitive and hard as rocks so the test is a squeeze to, I suppose, see if you say “ow! fuck!” or not), he then decided to play with frank with a full on fondle asking about abrasions, injuries and so forth. None I would admit to. While doing so, he looks me in the eye and says “any trouble getting erections?” and I say “No. Do you need to see?” Awkward. But funny and I’d so say it again.

Then the doc plays cave explorer in my pooper for a bit. They should at least leave the room after handing you the tissue to wipe the lube off your bum. Kind of odd doing that in front of someone. And, you know, the fact he’s chatting about things with his finger about 100,000 miles up the Hershey highway just before. But, what else are you supposed to do? Then again, what am I supposed to say that doesn’t sound like it came from a porn movie. Also, according to the doc, if all men lived forever, they’d eventually get prostate cancer. Seems producing ejaculate is not real healthy for you. Though, also according to the doc, getting rid of it regularly is.

And I need an eye appointment. Not to check vision but to check for eye cancer and other things.

Getting old is serious business.

The good news is I’m in good health.

30 Responses to “Yearly Physical: Post Four Oh”

  1. Freiheit Says:

    “Though, also according to the doc, getting rid of it regularly is.

    And I need an eye appointment. Not to check vision but to check for eye cancer and other things.”

    Like going blind from too much porn and wanking?

  2. Rustmeister Says:

    Getting old ain’t for sissies, that’s for sure.

  3. rickn8or Says:

    Though, also according to the doc, getting rid of it regularly is.

    I’d have asked for that in writing. “See honey? Doctor’s orders.”

    The mildest touch of prostate cancer, which is what I had (have) is literally a PITA.

    And getting older is not for sissies.

  4. Rustmeister Says:

    And glad you’ve checked out.

    Of course, once you’re 50, that whole GI thing (lower part) becomes scheduled maintenance as well….

  5. maddmedic Says:

    Punk…40..pfffttt…

  6. IanK. Says:

    I don’t know why you old coots complain so much about the cave exploring. Had to do that every other week for three years and even now every few months or so (Crohn’s). I’m betting it’s no less awkward when you’re 13 and your parents are in the room with you 😛

  7. Tasso Rampante Says:

    Weird, I had my 4-0 lube-n-tune today to. “I feel your pain.” I suppose the story gets easier each time.

    …seewhatIdidthere…

  8. Sebastian Says:

    Shit… fuck turning 40. I’m okay with time kind of stopping right about now.

  9. Ted N Says:

    Glad everything checked out, but I’m with Sebastian. I’m staying 29 until they actually check the paperwork.

  10. Ancient Woodsman Says:

    Congratulations on the health milestone.

    A friend & I were comparing notes on the changes around 30-40-50 (he’s older and approaching 60) and his wisdom gave me a little grin: “Getting old doesn’t suck – getting old is a lot of fun. It’s the BEING old that sucks.”

    Enjoy it while you can. The downhill road gets steeper, curvier, and faster from here.

  11. Tam Says:

    I just hate the way they put your birthdays closer and closer together after 30 or so.

  12. fucema Says:

    I am really not looking forward to my next physical. Thanks for this.

  13. Jay G. Says:

    Unc,

    Just remember who’s raising money for cancer research

    Glad to hear everything’s okay!

  14. HL Says:

    When I had my vent checked a couple of weeks ago, the Dr came in and plopped down in front of me his photo album–which I have dubbed “The Book of Assholes”–to show me what he found. It was not like porn at all.

    I found the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan easier to look at.

    Grats on your health.

  15. Gerry Flanagan Says:

    I tried the “Honey you don’t want me to die of sperm poisoning? “route. No dice.

    40 is apogee. 50 is reentry

  16. Cargosquid Says:

    That’s why I come here. The….in depth….reporting.

    And now we know why Jack Benny was forever 39.

    And Freiheit should get QOTD and win the internets!

  17. Robb Allen Says:

    And this is why I wish you’d blog more.

  18. Papa Whiskey Says:

    I’m 39. When I read this, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  19. Drake Says:

    Damn you HL, I was hoping you wouldn’t bring that up. Again.

  20. Jerry Says:

    Ah well, I didn’t need to keep the ham and eggs.

  21. Ian Argent Says:

    Growing older beats the alternative.

  22. nk Says:

    Just keep in mind, Uncle, that the relationship with your doctor is purely physical. There will be others, many others, for both you and him.

  23. DJ Says:

    That was one of the funniest damn things I’ve read. I’m laughing on the outside, but crying on the inside because I’ve hit the big 4-0 and it’s now my turn for this experience.

  24. John Richardson Says:

    I’ll be happy to just stay 55 for now. At least I can get senior coffee at McDonalds.

    As to the “lube-n-tube” which I have scheduled for later this month, there is something to be said for female urologists – thin fingers!

  25. gattsuru Says:

    In a fairly similar boat to IanK, at least in terms of onset time. It’s not terribly difficult to get used to Dr. Cave Explorer, although the prep part of the bottom-end Scope — drinking either six gallons of manky water or three teaspoons of concentrated evil — remains incredibly miserable, to the point where having a few feet of wire shoved up your tailpipe is practically a relief.

    I can also vouch that, at least at the early end side of things, it is not any less awkward if you’re gay or bisexual. Not least of all that offering to get erect for your doctor is even more frowned-on.

  26. Cargosquid Says:

    John Richardson,

    You’ve just inspired me to commence my search for a female urologist!

    gattsuru,

    three teaspoons? My wife is scheduling her exam and I need to set one up. What medicine is that? I’d MUCH rather get it over with quickly!

  27. Tirno Says:

    gattsuru

    The teaspoons of evil? Was it like this stuff?

  28. Critter Says:

    what to say during the “procedure”?

    I’ll Never Tell You ANYTHING, You Nazi Pigs!!11!!!

  29. gattsuru Says:

    The one I took was Fleet Phospho-Soda, which involve three very small bottles, mixed with a small mug of soda (in my case, Sprite). I’m not sure if it’s available any more in the United States, and in all honesty it’s probably worse than the gallon-o-mix result — I still can’t drink Sprite, despite the years passed in the middle, and that’s as someone that had no problem drinking most other medical mixes.

  30. Tam Says:

    And this is why I wish you’d blog more.

    Tell me about it, Robb; I was doing the whole gasping, howling, shrieking laughter thing to the point that Bobbi came running into the room wondering WTF was going on.

Remember, I do this to entertain me, not you.

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