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And I named him Sutherland

After my various GI issues, the docs found nothing. So, I made some dietary changes. First, I started having only two cups of coffee a day instead of my usual pot. The other thing is I started drinking kefir. A dear friend told me of its health benefits, I read up on it and gave it a shot. You can get this brand in the hippie tree-hugging section at Kroger. It’s delicious and, actually, pretty filling.

After a bit of research, I discovered I could make my own. However, I wasn’t too keen on keeping a culture in my house and fermenting milk. But someone much braver than me gave it a shot and approved. So, I hopped on the internet where you can have the grains shipped right to your door. Simple process to make consists of putting the grains in milk and waiting. I leave mine out for 48 hours instead of 24 because it thickens it up. Then, in the morning, I add some kefir and frozen fruit to a blender for a nice breakfast smoothie.

I’m not sure at exactly what point I become a hippie. But it’s odd, though, keeping cultures in your house that you eat. It’s like a pet that you eat.

Anyway, now that I told you all that, I had this weird dream the first day I got my kefir. It grew into a blob, a rather large one. And started moving around. Next thing you know, it’s running around the house and it’s apparently intelligent. And it’s freaking the cats out because it chases them and tastes like milk. So, I tell it that it’s freaking people out. Then, the blob assumes the shape of a dog and starts acting like a dog. I had a pet with a wet, squishy bark who I occasionally used to flavor a drink.

Weird.

38 Responses to “And I named him Sutherland”

  1. breda Says:

    You’re welcome.

    And why Sutherland?

  2. SayUncle Says:

    For the pun, of course

  3. JD Says:

    http://www.schlockmercenary.com/

    Go give it a read. . . blobs can be fun!

  4. Jack Says:

    “But itís odd, though, keeping cultures in your house that you eat. Itís like a pet that you eat.”

    I suppose the difference with livestock is that chickens are more obnoxious and stupid than colonies of bacteria and yeast.

  5. mike w. Says:

    I think I’m gonna have to do the same thing for my stomach issues.

    Tried that lifeway stuff. Didn’t like it.

  6. Spencer Says:

    Your not a hippie you just pay attention to your body.

  7. John Smith. Says:

    I take the peach version after a heavy round of antibiotics to re establish intestinal bacteria. Stuff is kind of rough seeing that it tastes like I am drinking thick carbonated peach yogurt… Am rather allergic to dairy so it takes a couple of days to wear off too..

  8. Seerak Says:

    A non-dairy source of “good” bacteria is kombucha tea. Similar idea.

  9. aeronathan Says:

    I’m sorry but IMO fermented and milk are two words that should not be put in close proximity to one another. Blech…

  10. CribbageGuy Says:

    Probably a good idea to give up the pot… (-;

    Had some of the same GI issues – cured by following “Wheat Belly” and eating crock-pot yoghurt.

  11. nk Says:

    The way my mother made the best yogurt, ever. Half whole milk, half real cream (half and half). She would warm it up to where she could have her forefinger in it for no more than the count of ten. It’s pasteurization, likely unecessary with storebought milk, but why not. Let it cool. She would stir in a pint of Dannon’s plain yogurt with live cultures. Pour it into coctail glasses for ready to eat serving sizes. Once it became yogurt, by the end of the day, she would refrigerate it.

  12. Jay G. Says:

    Dude, if you start beating a drum Imma grab Dennis and we’re gonna stage an intervention…

  13. DAD Says:

    I use to dream like that but it was in the 60’s.

  14. Sashok.Privetov Says:

    To make you feel less like a hippie, kefir is what my grandma gave me back in Soviet Union when a hippie was a “latest attempt by the lackey dog running capitalist pigs trying to destroy the glorious, eternal revolutionary Russia”.

    P.S. Trader Joe’s also has it.

  15. Pop N Fresh Says:

    You’re lucky the blob was friendly, it’s hard to run in sandals hippy

  16. Les Jones Says:

    FWIW The Market in Maryville has kombucha. I keep meaning to try it.

  17. nk Says:

    You know that you don’t have keep buying the grains, don’t you? That you save some of the product for fermenting the next batch? Like you do with sourdough bread? You do know this, right? Please tell me you do.

  18. Bob Owens Says:

    If that was the dream you were having, maybe you were letting it ferment too long. By like a week.

  19. Jess Banda Says:

    Include l-glutamine into your supplement regimen. Glutamine rebuilds the intestinal lining. I use it with all my professional athletes, who develp GI issues due to eating crappy food while on the road.
    Cheers.

  20. SayUncle Says:

    Yes, NK. I do know.

  21. Bob Smith Says:

    Sigmund Freud would say you want to have sex with yogurt.

  22. A Critic Says:

    @aeronathan

    What about cheese? It’s just fermented, or rotting, milk. Mmmm, rotting milk. It’s cheddar time!

  23. 4strokes Says:

    This site is going to hell. First, you stop bashing hippies, now you is one.

  24. Stretch Says:

    You start using patchouli oil I’m gonna shoot your damn hippie ass back to California where it belongs!

  25. Gun Blobber Says:

    How is it more like a pet than like a plant that you grow in the ground, and then eat?

  26. Mike Says:

    There’s nothing wrong with kefir. A real man (such as yourself) drinks or eats whatever the hell he chooses to. Hippies breath oxygen, doesn’t mean I’m going to stop.

  27. nk Says:

    A Critic,

    Cheese is made with an enzyme from the stomach gland of unweaned ruminants — lambs and kid goats for us. My father would save it when he butchered and let it dry and then put a little bit in the milk. But you can buy it in little packets, too.

  28. Wolfman Says:

    I worked with a guy, a fellow carpenter. He had dreadlocks, wore hemp sweaters, and shot a 7mm mag. Wanted a bumper sticker that said, “Real Hippies Hunt.” If feeling better, saving money, and sticking it to the man aren’t cool any more… screw it. Keep doing it.

  29. Jerry Says:

    Ok, weird story. I heard one of my grand parents tell it, some time ago. Back in the curds and whey times. It’s boring, so stop now if you want. Grandpap had an aunt, who LIVED on a mix of corn bread, and either one or the other. I don’t recall which, but that was ALL she ate. She would make it on Sunday, and eat it all week. Kept it on the stove. This is NOT a recommendation to anyone, just something I heard once. Myself, I prefer beef.

  30. Lyle Says:

    “…two cups of coffee a day instead of my usual pot.”

    I didn’t know you smoked pot.

    You make beer, no? That’s a culture. You can make yogurt too. Same deal. It’s very easy and it keeps for weeks. Don’t overload on the dairy though.

    You’ll become a hippie when you stop using reason, and start trending toward communism and other things that are purely counterproductive. You’ll start thinking of how to build a perpetual motion machine, for example. We’ll let you know if that starts to manifest itself here. Until then, don’t worry overmuch.

  31. Melody Byrne Says:

    When did keeping a culture become just a hippie thing to do? Keeping a sourdough starter is pretty much the same thing, with the bonus of making awesome bread, biscuits, and cinnamon rolls.

  32. Ishtacka Says:

    I had horrible GI issues and then I started taking Phillips Probiotic pills. Night and day. I feel so much better now.

  33. J Says:

    Im there with you brother. Kefir and greek yogurt every day. It helps.

  34. JKB Says:

    I take my kefir straight up in a shot glass. And the swallowing wince just like cheap whiskey.

    nk: the rennet causes the curds to from but the real taste of cheese comes from the bacteria used to culture it. Kefir contains yeast as well as bacteria, hence the fermentation and fizziness.

  35. Robert Says:

    Wasn’t there some dumb 1950s drive-in movie about this?

  36. ::G Says:

    That’s an awesome dream. Hell, you could write a Kafka-esque short story about that!

  37. LabRat Says:

    Keeping little microbe farms around has all sorts of possibilities. Old-fashioned brewed soda pop, kefir, old-fashioned lacto-fermented pickles, beer, wine, mead, sourdough…

    Friendly bugs are our best allies against the other kind. Nothing like a competitor for the same slot in the ecosystem that does some of our heavy lifting for us to boot.

  38. PM Says:

    You may find this amusing:

    http://whatever.scalzi.com/2010/10/02/when-the-yogurt-took-over-a-short-story/