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Tequila

I hate it. Can’t stand it. Tastes awful. I do, however, average about one shot per year. And this post is about that shot.

I would say Tequila tastes like hagfish slime except that we now know that tastes like eggs.

What kills me, though, is that no matter how much I tell people that I absolutely hate tequila with the fiber of my being, they still tell me that I just haven’t had good tequila yet. Invariably, I have a conversation with someone that goes like this:

Them: Oh, you’ll like this tequila it’s so smooth (Ed Note: it is usually Patrón).

Me: No, I just don’t care for tequila.

Them: No, this stuff is like $200 per bottle (Ed note: that may be wrong but is from memory but it puts at about $3.38 per ounce). Really, it’s smooth. You’ll like it!

Me: No, I won’t. I promise. You can save your $3.38. Smooth crap is still crap, it just came from a blender.

Them: Try it.

Me: No thanks. Really. You chase it with a lime for a reason, ya know. To get the taste of ass out of your mouth.

Them: Haha. No, you’ll like this. Try it. (repeat this about five times before I finally cave)

Me: Ok, but I won’t like it. (I usually cave realizing that, though it’s going to suck ass, this conversation will continue for the next two hours if I do not do a shot). And don’t act hurt when I tell you that I don’t like it.

Here’s where I take a shot, eat a lime real fast, and make the face of a man who just ate turds.

Them: You like it?

Me: No. I told you I wouldn’t. It tastes like tequila, which happens to taste like shit.

Them: You just don’t know good tequila.

Me: Oh, I know it. That was it. And it still tastes like moldy balls.

Them: You’re just uncooth.

Me: No, I just don’t like tequila. I tried to tell so you could save your $3.38.

I tried lying once stating that I did like it. But that was no good because they wanted me to do another shot. Ick.

So, World, please stop asking me to try your tequila.

39 Responses to “Tequila”

  1. Robb Allen Says:

    You don’t like tequila AND make a martini wrong!

    Geez….

  2. Rustmeister Says:

    I’m having trouble trying to equate tequila with anything resembling couth.

  3. Gun Blobber Says:

    I’m with ya all the way. Tequila just plain sucks. I don’t even like it in margaritas.

  4. Yosemite Sam Says:

    I generally don’t like most Tequilas, but I do like Centenario Reposado or even better Anejo.

    In fact, it is about the only Tequila that I will drink.

    The cheap Cuervo crap tastes like I would imagine toilet bowl cleaner would taste. But, to each his own.

  5. Gregory Morris Says:

    Well, I _know_ you’d like my favorite if you just tried it. Come on, just one shot? It costs $2000/bottle because it is imported directly from the agave plantations of Hoyo de la Desesperación, brewed and distilled in batches of seven bottles, by the hands of virgins, using only the rare aquamarine agave, aged 100 years in endangered rainforest-wood barrels, and will give you the power to see into the future. Just one shot?

  6. _Jon Says:

    My story of T:
    – I used to roll to the local bars on Friday nights. Standard pattern of places I knew, mostly to flirt with the barmaids. I drank Jack and Michelob Light. One slow night the cute barmaid asks if I want to do a shot with her. Sure. She gets a box down, takes the bottle out of the bag in the box, pours shots, puts it back. Having no idea of good or bad alcohol, I don’t care. I wasn’t told what it was, nor was I offered a lime or salt, so I had no idea.
    – Finished my drinks and continued my visits to other drinking places.

    – The next Friday, I visit some of the same bars and I am accosted by friends and patrons alike. Apparently, I was mean-as-shit asshole the previous week (after my shot). I was nearly beaten and killed in two places, and asked to leave in another. I recall none of it. I apologize and buy rounds. And leave.

    – The following week, I am telling the story of my behavior to the above-referenced barmaid. She explains the shot was Tequila. Now I know.

    Tequila makes me mean. Even when I don’t know what it is.

  7. SayUncle Says:

    Wow, Greg, I think I’ve gotten that speech before.

  8. Eric Shelton Says:

    I discovered my love for tequila while learning how to be an NCO in the Air Force. Turns out, it doesn’t give me hangovers… But that’s another story…

    What your story REALLY reminds me of is my opinions and experiences with seafood. I live in Tucson- there’s no way that crap is fresh! And yet somebody always insist I just haven’t had it made right, and then they invariably offer me grilled salmon. I tell them I’ve had grilled salmon, they say I haven’t had it done right. I tell them I like ono and mahi and even sushi, I just hate salmon- they still try to get me to eat their salmon.

    Why do these dunderheads think they know our tastebuds better than we do?

  9. Sebastian Says:

    I don’t hate it, but cheap tequila is awful. I have had good tequila that I’ve been able to stomach. But I’d rather drink cheap bourbon than good tequila, so I almost never drink it.

  10. Mikee Says:

    Some comedian – maybe Robin Williams – pointed out that the purpose of tequila is to make arson seem not just reasonable but necessary.

    If you want revenge on these “tequila snobs” – which I put in quotes because anything made from agave that doesn’t treat sunburn has to be questionable – try the following, recommended to me by an older gent of my acquaintance, who used it on me once. Ask the bartender for a frosted glass (preferentially a martini glass, although anything other than a beer mug will do. Have him fill it with ice-chilled VERMOUTH, but pour it neat (without the ice). Have your idiot friend snobs drink it.

    It tastes like candy cough syrup, and if they have been drinking anything else they will likely puke soon.

  11. David Says:

    I have to agree, although I modify that script and use it for single malt scotch. Nobody, but nobody can convince me that scotch is anything but an expensively packaged turpentine.

  12. Alchemyst Says:

    Well hell fellas, I can fix that there tequila problem pronto. Just find a tequila that tastes like George Dickel. QED — problem solved!

  13. Billy Beck Says:

    Tequila is just ghastly shit. To me. I can’t stand the smell of it down the bar. I never ever drink it under any circumstances, no matter what, but admit that I haven’t had a gun to my head over it.

    Scotch is not quite as bad to me, but I never drink it.

    Crown Royal is my normal pull, but I do loves me a good bourbon.

  14. Gregory Morris Says:

    Actually, Uncle, your problem is that you only take one shot. After 3 or 4 it doesn’t taste so bad. Well, actually, it might, but you likely won’t care.

  15. tgirsch Says:

    Part of the problem is doing shots of tequila — at all! Shooting tequila is sinful. Good tequila is meant to be sipped, not guzzled. Preferably with a glass of tomato juice on the side, also sipped. Personally, I’m partial to Herradura Reposado, but that’s just me.

    That said, I would never try to force someone to drink tequila if they don’t like it. This only wastes good tequila. (OK, maybe I’d try to get them to drink cuervo or some other such crap, but I wouldn’t waste good tequila in that way.)

  16. rightwingprof Says:

    It’s the Okra Syndrome. “You’ve never had okra the way I make it,” so you eat it, and it’s still slimy and nasty.

  17. DirtCrashr Says:

    Patron isn’t that good, there’s better. The really-really good stuff has been stomped by barefoot and sweaty naked Mexicans, waist deep in a limestone vat inside a 130-degree hut out in the desert and then scraped off their skin into in an old horse trough and cured…
    A Good Tequila has subtle notes of gasoline and tar – but if you don’t like it don’t drink it.
    Cheap Tequila is machinist wash-down fluid and made in an industrial factory from bird-poop scraped off the roof. Cuervo Gold is a perfect example of shit-tequila and usually results in the Mean Bastard Amnesia effect.
    I can’t drink bourbon or whiskey it makes me chuck, don’t even open a bottle in the same room or I’m a set trigger – everytime the technicolor yawn.
    Eric’s right – if you want good seafood go to Hawaii where it’s really fresh.

  18. Stretch Says:

    As soon as I organize my library (i.e. move it from boxes to shelves) I will find the article on “Comparative Taste Tests on Alcohol Based Products”. There is some serious science behind how taste and smell combine to make booze taste different to different people. Mostly genetic. Uncle doesn’t like tequila ’cause his tongue and nose combine in his brain to say “No way!” Non-scientificly: my wife HATES tequila due to a long night between Miami and Ft. Lauderdale along A1A, numerous bars and a 4am visit to Denny’s.

  19. DirtCrashr Says:

    Lima Bean Syndrom and… Tripe/Menudo/Haggis – like okra, are taste-separators. Separating barbarians from Teh Civilizeded.

  20. Michael Hawkins Says:

    I don’t much care for tequilla … me and two friends once killed a bottle doing shots outside a vampire party. One of use keelhauled his guts in the bathrooms, me and the other guy didn’t see what the fuss was all about.

    I’ll stick to my red wine, cherry beer and ammaretto for taste as well as alcohol … and no, I’m not gay, my drinking havits are.

  21. Regolith Says:

    I’m not a big fan of tequila, either. Or most alcoholic drinks, for that matter, including beer and wine. The only type of alcoholic drinks I do like are hard cider (real hard apple cider, not beer made to taste a bit like cider), Porto, and schnapps (mostly peach and peppermint). Things like whiskey, bourbon, and rum are kind of in the middle – I don’t like them, but I am not repulsed by them.

    I think its due to the fact that I don’t like bitter drinks in general. I’m not much a fan of coffee, either, and any tea I drink usually gets a couple tablespoons of honey to make it sweet enough.

  22. Standard Mischief Says:

    # Sebastian Says:

    I don’t hate it, but cheap tequila is awful. I have had good tequila that I’ve been able to stomach. But I’d rather drink cheap bourbon than good tequila, so I almost never drink it.

    Agreed. Cheap bourbon over cheap tequila. You only need to cut it with cheap gingerale.

    …and when the bottom is falling out of your world, you can drink cheap tequila and the world will fall out of your bottom.

  23. straightarrow Says:

    I’m with David, I can drink tequila, nowhere near my favorite. But, God save me from assholes who insist I will like Scotch as soon as I “acquire” a taste for it. Why the hell would I work at “acquiring” a taste for something used to peel paint?

    My son drinks Crown Royal, on the rare occassion that he drinks, unlike his father who on rare occassion doesn’t drink. He will often offer me a drink. I tell him why waste overpriced hooch on somebody who prefers Crab Orchard (and I hate Crab Orchard so much I only took one drink of it in my life, what the bootlegger had) to Crown Royal, same goes for Jack Daniels, and Southern Comfort.

    I think the insistence of those people is actually just gamemanship, you know “See how much more sophisticated I am than you .”

  24. chrisb Says:

    Meh, it is the Devil’s hooch!

    The last time I drank tequila I ended up having sex with a crank whore 15 years my senior!

  25. Sigivald Says:

    rightwing: But I’ve had okra that wasn’t slimy and nasty. (It takes Indians to cook it like that, as near as I can tell, and I mean the kind from their own subcontinent.)

    Of course, I also like tequila (no, not Cuervo Gold; just because I like Scotch doesn’t mean I like shitty Scotch either). But I wouldn’t pressure someone who said “No, I’ve had top-shelf tequila and I hate it” to drink any, either.

    (Them as dislike Scotch but like other whiskey might try a Speyside or Lowland, which don’t taste like a god-damned peat bog. I can’t stand Islays, myself, for that very reason.)

    (I’m also shocked to hear that people dislike gin. What’s wrong with them all?)

  26. Thibodeaux Says:

    This is all well and good, but what does it have to do with the REAL issue of Glocks vs. 1911s?

  27. Gmac Says:

    I would no sooner drink something that made my taste buds commit suicide than I would eat beef that been on a fire more than 8 minutes. From liquid ass to liquid cardboard it doesn’t matter how damn expensive or rare it is, it still tastes like crap, no matter how much someone insists that it does not. fwiw Crown or Drambuie, neat, its all a matter of personal preferences.

  28. tgirsch Says:

    rightwingprof:

    How you feel about Okra is how I feel about meat loaf.

  29. Duane Says:

    Like it or not it might be liquid gold in the near future
    http://technology.newscientist.com/channel/tech/mg19826615.700-tequila-is-surprise-raw-material-for-diamond–films.html?feedId=online-news_rss20

    Personally, tres generation reposada.

  30. Lyle Says:

    There’s no accounting for taste. I doubt anyone liked any liquor the first time they tried it. Anyone?

    I remember trying beer and wine for the first time and hating them, for that matter, and there are several foods I now love that I once despised. Sharp cheddar cheese is one.

  31. Number9 Says:

    What about Gin?

  32. Jr Says:

    Actually, Lyle , I never cared for beer after my first one, but a good bourbon, loved it right off the bat. Unfortunately, I don’t drink anymore, doc said I should lay off, something to do with my bleeding ulcers.

  33. Justthisguy Says:

    Properly fried okra is what the gods eat on Olympus. Fuckin yankees!

    Oh, tequila is hazmat, all of it.

  34. _Jon Says:

    Just think, back in 1920+, we’d all be in jail for these crimes!
    (Isn’t prohibition great?)

  35. straightarrow Says:

    There’s no accounting for taste. I doubt anyone liked any liquor the first time they tried it. Anyone?- lyle

    I was nine when I had my first taste of whiskey. I loved it. Have ever since. No matter how much booze is in shelves, the storeroom or cabinets in my house all of it is covered in dust, except the whiskey or bourbon.

  36. Gun Blobber Says:

    Okra, breaded and fried, is great. Pop ’em like other bite-sized fried foods… with ketchup. Yum!

  37. oldblinddog Says:

    Jamesons Irish Whiskey. And I like my okra in shrimp/crab/oyster gumbo.

  38. John D Says:

    With me it is Scotch. It alwayse tasted like soggy paper to me.

    Besides, there is something about Scotch that says “class” and I would never want to mislead anyone into thinking that I have any.

    The kind of stuff I used to drink is the stuff that leaves burn if spilled on skin. (happened to me once in Thailand).

    It doesn’t taste bad because by the time it reaches your throat you have no functioning taste buds left in your mouth.

  39. straightarrow Says:

    and no one should ever drink aquavit!