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The worst part of Global Warming, Mass Cannibalism

I know. Today is April 2nd and this should have been posted yesterday. But actually this is a true story.

CNN founder Ted Turner argued that inaction on global warming “will be catastrophic” and those who don’t die “will be cannibals.”

Even more shocking is that the mass cannibalism will happen in only ten to thirty years.

Not doing it will be catastrophic. We’ll be eight degrees hottest in ten, not ten but 30 or 40 years and basically none of the crops will grow. Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals.

Audio clip

18 Responses to “The worst part of Global Warming, Mass Cannibalism”

  1. Aunt B. Says:

    Oh, great. Leave it to Ted Turner to uncover you gun nuts’ secret plan. Arm yourselves so that when the crops fail you can shoot and eat the likes of me. Well, folks, I have a plan, too, and that involves being so fat that butchering me for edible meat is futile.

    Though, of course, I guess you could use me to deep-fry other lefties…

  2. JKB Says:

    It is sad to hear what sleeping with Jane Fonda will do to a man. He has slipped right over the edge.

    But he is wrong. All crops will not vanish. Okra loves hot weather. Temps must be between 70 and 90 for it to grow well. We can have fields and fields of okra all year round. We’ll just have to scrape up the leavings at the ethanol plant to get enough corn meal to fry it up in.

  3. DirtCrashr Says:

    He’s slipped into deep senility. Who gets all his money now?

  4. Jack Says:

    When do we get some good recipies? Jack.

  5. # 9 Says:

    When do we get some good recipies? Jack.

    Only on the Internet.

    Looks like the future staples will be ammo and spices.

  6. Matt Says:

    Don’t they arrest people for being high in public? We need the street name of whatever he’s taking because, damn, that’s some good stuff!

  7. thirdpower Says:

    Some good recipes here.

  8. gorak Says:

    Increasing temperature leads to increased vegetation and plant life. Mr. Turner needs to take Biology 101 and learn that plants thrive on radiation and C02.

  9. Dave Says:

    Aunt B. aside from cooking oil, we’ll also need dip for our soylent green chips.

  10. Lyle Says:

    So that’s his fantasy. I figured it had to be something pretty horrible.

    On that note; the History Channel recently did a series on life after us pesky humans are all gone. Some of the speakers were quite enthusiastic about the prospect.

  11. red Says:

    On that note; the History Channel recently did a series on life after us pesky humans are all gone. Some of the speakers were quite enthusiastic about the prospect.

    I noticed that too….

  12. Retread Says:

    The History Channel needs to change its name to, oh, say, The Hysterical Channel.

  13. Grumpy Says:

    I unequivocally support global warming; it will get Ted (the swimmer) Kennedy’s constituents out of my pocket vis a vis federal heating welfare!

  14. Lyle Says:

    It’s a death cult.

    Personally, I found the Heaven’s Gate cult more interesting, and not just because it was far less threatening than the GW cult. Getting beamed up to the Mother Ship and taken off to join the Galactic Society, or whatever the hell it is, is vastly more appealing than just eating people to survive post apocalypse. Have any of you ever butchered an animal? I have, and I can tell you it’s a lot of damned work– you have to gut ’em (that’s no fun at all) hang ’em up, skin ’em, let ’em age for a few days in your garage, and then the cutting work starts. When you’re all done you have maybe 80 pounds of decent meat (far less in the case of an emaciated, post apocalypse human), which then must be prepared, preserved, etc.. Then there’s arguing; “Do we want more steaks, more chops, more hamburger (how much fat?), or do we want to take the time to make sausages?” No thanks. Besides, the HGs all got nice new shoes.

  15. retro Says:

    Yumm! Pass another leg, would you?

    (of course this is a hoax site…)

  16. Danny Bloom Says:

    two words: polar cities, as reported in New York Times

    see images and blog on this idea, pro or con, I dare you. SMILE


  17. Alec Roberta Says:

    Scientists in the U.K. have reported evidence that further refutes one theory of global climate change.

    In the heated debate over global warming, there is an opposing idea, called the cosmic ray theory, which contends that climate change is simply caused by cosmic rays coming from the sun.

  18. straightarrrow Says:

    Well Ted, why don’t you just start early. Eat me!

Remember, I do this to entertain me, not you.

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