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Messengers of God: inconsiderate pricks

So, the other night at a little bit after dark (say a bit past 8:00), The Second was in his bed sawing toothpicks, the Mrs. was at the gym, and me and Junior were downstairs watching Little Bear for 1,483rd time that day when Politically Incorrect Dog starts raising utter Hell. Now Politically Incorrect Dog makes very distinct sounds. He has a low groan which translates as I want that thing. Please give it to me. He has a high pitched groan which translates as I’m serious, I want that thing. Why haven’t you given it to me yet and it follows the aforementioned groan. He has a mid-ranged woof that indicates hey, there’s someone here who I happen to like. He has a half-hearted bark which translates as Someone’s at the door. You may want to check it out but otherwise I’m mostly unconcerned. And he has his OMG. Do something now or I’m gonna kill it bark. That bark, I’d only heard once before and I heard it again the other night.

I thought someone was in my house. I told Junior to stay put. Retrieved El Nino* from the safe (whole process took about five seconds). And went upstairs. Politically Incorrect Dog continued his hell-raising, ear-splitting barking. He was staring at the door. I set El Nino down by the banister and looked out the door. Two Jehovah’s Witnesses. At night. Repeatedly knocking and ringing the doorbell where there is a sleeping child. While an obviously angry dog kept barking at them. I guess they’re persistent. I looked at them through the door, shook my head, and walked away. You might get more converts if you weren’t such pricks.

The Second, thankfully, is a sound sleeper and slept through it. Of course, he slept through the alarm one night when I accidentally set it off.

To add to the story, the Mrs. was pulling into the subdivision and noticed the Jehovah’s Witnesses at our door. She did another lap to avoid them. She had the same reaction as I did. Seriously, it was night time you twits.

* Why El Nino? Because at close range, I can put 10 in an eyeball.

15 Responses to “Messengers of God: inconsiderate pricks”

  1. Robb Allen Says:

    You know, even as a quasi-religious guy myself, nothing pisses me off more than trying to sell me Jesus. Show up after the sun goes down and I won’t even bother hiding my gun.

    As for JW’s, normally holding a beer is all you need to fend them off.

  2. Linoge Says:

    When we lived in Southern Maryland, these guys came by once a week… We started telling them we were druidic fire worshippers… they stopped. I guess their evangelism only goes so far.

    That said, I echo Mr. Allen’s sentiments… Being Christian is fine (hell, I am one every once in a while), wanting to spread the word is fine, but doing it by knocking on every door in a neighborhood? Not so fine. And after dark it is just stupid.

  3. # 9 Says:

    I had forgotten about El Nino. Good one.

    What kind of maniac keeps ringing the doorbell when PID (Politically Incorrect Dog) is trying to take the door off the hinges? They must have God on their side.

  4. Shard Says:

    Having tired of being awakened by JWs early Saturday mornings, I answered the door buck naked and asked what I could do for them.

    Problem solved.

  5. Rabbit Says:

    On more than one occasion I’ve discouraged return visits from JW’s and other religious groups by flinging open the door naked and screaming with a bad dog in one hand and a .45 in the other.

    It’s a very cathartic experience for all involved, trust me.


  6. Round Rock Mike Says:

    Sure they looked like Jehovah’s Witnesses, but at that time of night maybe they were in mufti, scouting out the neighborhood for more nefarious purposes. Did they, for example, try to open the door before you got there, setting off the dog? Like Will Smith said in MIB, after shooting little Suzie during the test phase of his enlistment, (and I paraphrase): “Little 8 year old white girl out in the ghetto late at night, carrying physics books way too old for her – trouble about to happen.”

  7. _Jon Says:

    They were in one of my neighborhoods yesterday too.
    Must be that time of the month.

    When I used to live where they prowled, I used to engage them in debate.
    That was fun.

  8. Rustmeister Says:

    I had a Watchtower sitting in my door when I got home.

    Must be an annual membership drive or something

  9. KCSteve Says:

    Large hairy guy holding large shiny blade seems to get you crossed off the list as well.

  10. straightarrow Says:

    I never did the Rabbit thing, but I did do the Shard thing. As he said, problem solved.

  11. Jay G. Says:

    I’m partial to the trusty chainsaw to help get rid of unwanted proselytizers. Nothing says “hands off” like a runnin McCullough…

  12. Timmeeee Says:

    Whenever I run into those types I just keep repeating the following in a loud and forceful manner :

    “Hail Satan, Prince of Darkness, Lord of Evil, Master of the Universe”.

    They sometimes look genuinely frightened. Heh. They always shutup and move along.

  13. Donna Locke Says:

    As for JW’s, normally holding a beer is all you need to fend them off.

    For some reason I let the Witnesses in one time, but they left soon after they saw my Far East temple pressings on the living room wall, but not before admonishing me.

  14. Joe Says:

    A couple of older women & their teenage daughters came to my door a couple of years back. I told them I could get them $10,000 apeice for their daughters in Mexico. When the rollers work my neighborhood now, they cross the street when they get to my house…..

  15. nk Says:

    I feel sorry for the JWs and Mormons. I smile at them politely, tell them “No, thank you” and just close the door. It’s the Moonies and Hare Krishnas that make me wish I had a dog to sic on them when they accost me at the grocery store parking lot.

Remember, I do this to entertain me, not you.

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