I do not sit like that because I am a man
One of the things that really annoyed my wife on our wedding day was, err, me. Moreover, my interaction with our photographer. She was a nice enough lady but she asked me to do some pose that, in addition to being difficult for me to actually pull off and look comfortable, was unnatural looking. Now, I’d had a few adult beverages but I think I said something like I’m not doing that because it looks gay (and I meant gay in the young urban slang way as a synonym for stupid as well as the stereotypical way of effeminate).
This morning was cat herding err family picture day. I hate picture day. Really. I mean, I hate it a lot. If there’s a Hell, it will be me at Portrait Innovations having fake candid shots taken of me and Stone Phillips (I’m sure he’s a fine man but there’s just something about him that gives me the willies). Where was I? Oh, yeah. Hating picture day. I hate it because these pictures are unnatural looking. There’s fake smiling, fake posing, fake background, fake interest, fake everything. The only thing authentic is the kids’ expressions because they’ve not learned to fake smile yet. So, the photographer uses stuffed animals, whistles, toys, tricks and a clown to get them to smile. And kids don’t sit still for pictures. Once you get the kids situated, you have a window of opportunity to take the shot that is measured in nanoseconds. And the photographer misses that window roughly four out of five times, so you have to do it again.
So, we had that. Then, the other thing I really hate is fake poses. Today, the photographer dude asked me to sit on the ground with one leg outstretched and one knee raised. I said No. I do not sit like that because I am a man. So, we did a different pose that was fine. Then, I was asked to lay with my belly on the ground and both feet up in the air. Again: No, I will not lay like that because I am a man. And it’s hard to do with a Kel-Tec poking you in the hip bone. The wife was a bit annoyed. Now, this is not some masculine, macho thing where I don’t want to be captured on film looking gay. My thinking is that photographs should capture a natural state and not some contrived, fake scene. That’s what the news is for. And, well, people just don’t sit that way.
June 15th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Suuuure it’s not!
I have to agree with you, picture day is right up there, though.
Trying to come up with an analogy, but not succeeding….
June 15th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
She was trying to get you to do chick poses? I wouldn’t do that shit either.
June 15th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Feet in the air? What the hell! Are you a damn cheerleader? You were perfectly correct to refuse.
June 15th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Yeah, I think that at the feet in the air stage she was just dicking you around to see if you would do it.
June 15th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Choice #1
Take the damn gun off and lay on the ground like your wife wants you to do
Choice #2
Maintain ownership of gun, dignity and mildly homophobic tendencies, sit like a “man” and cook yer own dang dinner
(trust me Mrs. Uncle whispered in my ear)
June 15th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I think you made the right move. However, my instincts in these matters are usually catastrophically wrong.
June 15th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
I ain’t afeared a cookin.
June 15th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Fortunately, Sebastian can be confident that I am not the type of woman who would normally even think to schedule a family portrait day, much less force him into gay poses.
June 15th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Unc, since you mentioned the Kel-Tec, I’ve just gotta tell ya, I love mine to pieces. It’s really all I ever carry now.
As for the poses, hell, if I can get my kids to:
a) Smile;
and
b) Not strangle each other for five seconds;
I’ll gladly pose in a tutu holding a bouquet of roses…
June 15th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
And Jay, I would buy the poster sized print of that.
June 15th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
So seriously, did you give her Magnum or Blue Steel?
June 16th, 2007 at 1:22 am
I don’t mind a fake candid shot… if it looks cool and manly.
[I know three two and a half chords on the guitar]
Besides, it’s a self-portrait. So I only take the shots I want.