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Not down with OPC

Other people’s children, that is.

Me and the Mrs. took Junior to Splash Country yesterday. For you non-local folks, it’s a water park operated by Dollywood. We had a good time. Now, not all kids can be perfect like mine so let’s talk about your kids and how I hate them. Well, OK, not you specifically but you in the general sense. And not your kids that I hate, really, but your parenting or lack thereof. And not hate so much as generally annoyed by them.

First thing I noticed about your kids is they can’t read. We were at the water park and they have this special section for small kids (think toddlers) that is about 1.5 feet deep max. There are also a various water guns set up to squirt other folks and little fountains that shoot out of the water. This is not the place you should take a kid who is starting to grow whiskers. He should be wearing his big-boy pants and riding the big boy rides. There are signs with the height requirements and some of the features say anyone above a certain height must be accompanied by a kid. But pimply faced, hairy kids with cracking voices were every where. As my dad would say You’re big enough to whip a bear with a flyswatter. You don’t need to be in the kiddie pool.

Second thing I noticed about your kids is that, well, they’re fat. Not sure why it is but there were a lot of morbidly obese kids at the water park. I don’t mean obese as in baby fat and kinda cute. I mean I saw an eight year old with stretchmarks. I saw two sisters who were maybe nine years old and both were rather rotund. Seriously, I think if about four specific kids had simultaneously gotten out of pool area, the shift in water volume would have created a small scale tidal wave.

The third thing I noticed about your kids is that they’re inconsiderate shits. There’s a water slide at the kiddie pool and Junior and I would ascend the ladder, wait our turn, and go down the slide together (remember, I had to be accompanied by her). Now, quite a few of the other kids (who were all unsupervised) would just run to the front, cut in, and hop on the slide. The lifeguard lady tried to stop this at the start but eventually just gave up. Learned helplessness I suppose. On our last trip up, there was another father there with his little girl. He mentioned to me that one particular inconsiderate shit had gone down the slide three times while he waited. He pointed her out. Then, she came for the fourth cut in. This particular father had a jarhead haircut and a USMC tattoo and he’d had enough. He gently grabbed the kid’s arm and told her she needed to wait her turn like everyone else. She did and other parents applauded. Now, Junior was starting to catch on to the line-cutting thing and kept trying to run up to the slide. I’d pull her back and say Let’s wait our turn, honey. I’m trying to teach her a lesson and it is don’t be an asshole.

The fourth thing is your kids are kinda dumb. There were rocks and things on the edges that were slick and they kept climbing up there. The lifeguard would shoo them away. And they’d do it again. One kid fell. Also, there are various water cannons stationed at various spots. You can grab one and shoot away at other folks. This is fine if you want to shoot me, after all I came to get a bit wet. However, shooting at a mother carrying a baby that is just a few months old or shooting at a toddler who can barely walk is just fucking stupid.

So, generally speaking, I don’t like your kids much.

11 Responses to “Not down with OPC”

  1. existingthing Says:

    How DARE you talk about my kids like that! Come on Tubby, lets go get you some more ice cream. You can have a triple scoop if you promise not to call Mommy any bad names… Maybe just today?.. Until we get home? Alright, lets go!

    It’s a real shame to see all those “progressive” parents raising little brats who think they’re entitled to everything, and are free to do anything. I was at a Starbucks waiting in line and there were two kids chasing eachother around the place, and weaving in and out of the line of people screaming and laughing. I couldn’t see anyone trying to stop them, or apologizing for them, so I assumed they were not where they were supposed to be. I stepped out in front of them and knelt down and explained that they should stop annoying all the nice people and try to be quieter. As soon as I finished talking to them, some stereotypical soccer mom walked up and said,
    “Excuse me, why are you talking to my kids???”
    “Because you weren’t going to. How about disciplining your kids a bit?”
    “I don’t think you should talk to my children, and you sound like a parent who spanks his children! I don’t spank my children!”
    “I think everyone here knows that.”
    After she heard a little bit of snickering she dicided not to pursue the argument and left with her kids, kicking and screaming, in tow.

    Stand up against liberal parents!

  2. pax Says:

    I once watched a three-year-old girl nearly get hit by a car, simply because her mother could not be bothered to restrain the daughter’s behavior even in a busy parking lot.

  3. AT Says:

    Man, I’m right there with you. Its almost to the point where I don’t want to take my two out to places where other kids are, because they’re all such little bastards.
    Have you ever experienced the joys of the Thomas the Tank Engine table? Thats one of the bests.

  4. SayUncle Says:

    existing, don’t think it’s a liberal thing. I think it’s a Dr. Phil/Oprah/that child psychology class they took once between bong hits in college thing. I know plenty of Republican soccer moms who are as bad.

  5. WKM Says:

    Have you been tapping into my brainwaves? I ranted over the same thing last night. I took my daughter to Six Flags America (DC metro area) Sunday afternoon and again yesterday. Our daughters are very close in age. We experienced everything you mentioned and then some. We had the added bonus of at least one-third of the crowd not knowing how to speak English.

    On the other hand, I was fairly impressed with a few of the kids. Adults were not allowed on many of the rides and slides and children my daughters size had to be accompanied by another child (up to 54 inches tall). As I explained to my daughter that she could not ride or slide because I couldn’t go with her, some child would overhear and offer to ride/slide with her. I will note that these were almost always children who had a parent close by supervising.

    How sad society has become that the well mannered kids are the ones that stand out now.

  6. TK Says:

    It ain’t a “liberal” thing. It’s a stupid thing – and that swings both ways. Stupid in that parents can’t figure out that chips and coke for breakfast, lunch and dinner will make your kids fat. Stupid in that self-esteem is gained not from never being disciplined, but from succeeding BECAUSE of the discipline. And finally, lazy. Lazy because they drop the shits off and never look twice at them again.

    I took the kids to the pool last week and was also amazed at the lack of supervision and how fat the kids were. But I have to say, that the guards at the Y weren’t taking any crap off any of them. Maybe Dollywood needs to retrain those guards.

  7. Drake Says:

    Speaking as a painfully single bachelor, and former lifeguard, I can say without hyperbole that most children are little shits. Then again, the acorn doesn’t fall too far.

  8. existingthing Says:

    “existing, don’t think it’s a liberal thing. I think it’s a Dr. Phil/Oprah/that child psychology class they took once between bong hits in college thing. I know plenty of Republican soccer moms who are as bad.”

    Liberal was a bad choice of word, I meant what you said above. The hippy, free-spirit, my kids are my friends, bs.

  9. tgirsch Says:

    t’s a real shame to see all those “progressive” parents raising little brats who think they’re entitled to everything, and are free to do anything.

    As Uncle said, it’s far from just a progressive thing. It’s a “my kids are perfect, your kids are crap” thing that many parents are guilty of. It’s also a HUGE part of what’s wrong with our schools, while I’m on the subject. Sure, we need stricter standards, and we’re going to get tougher, and HEY, what do you mean you’re going to suspend my little Timmy? Can’t you see his halo? He can do no wrong!

    My Dad leans Democrat, and he rules with an iron fist. My Mom leans Republican, and she can be a walk-all-over-me softie.

    What I hate is a new generation of parents who want to be friends with their kids first, and parents second. It needs to be the other way around, and if they can’t coexist, then “friends” has to go.

    And while I’m ranting about modern parents sucking, what’s with this crap about waiting until your kid is three fucking years old before you get around to potty trianing them? (Says the guy with no kids…)

  10. SayUncle Says:

    what’s with this crap about waiting until your kid is three fucking years old before you get around to potty trianing them?

    That’s what the docs tell you. we started junior at 2. She did it for a bit then promptly had a bit of setback.

  11. Beth T. Says:

    Yes. Perfect. Someone should have addressed this a long time ago. I know that if, as children, my sisters or I had behaved like so many children I see, now, the wrath of the wooden spoon was waiting!

    In the early 80’s, one of the neighbor’s kids was over at our house, she was probably five or six. She was CLIMBING up the front of my car! Up on the bumper onto the hood. I told her to get off my car. She said, “No. I don’t have to. You’re not the boss of me!” I told her again to get off my car. She refused. My hand came out of nowhere and connected to her bottom! And it was, really, a very gentle slap. The kid ran home SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER and I had to go next door and explain that I had just spanked this child, and found myself being the ONE APOLOGIZING! Thankfully, the kid’s mother didn’t have me arrested… Her mother, was, however, quite upset that I had taken it upon myself to “spank” her child. Yeah. But, had this child have been behaving, or realized that adults ARE authority figures, she wouldn’t have been crawling on my car and if she was and I said get off the car, she would have gotten off the car…

    Where was that dinner that the guy put up a sign that said “Well behaved children welcome.” Parents went nuts!

    Nothing like going out for dinner on the weekend – and not to a place that caters to children like McDonald’s, but The Outback, or something – and having a half dozen wild children running around being obnoxious.

Remember, I do this to entertain me, not you.

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