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My Platform

I’ve pondered what my platform would be if I ever ran for president. And I can say that one of the things on my platform, which would buck presidential tradition, is to not pardon the Thanksgiving turkey. President Bush is scheduled to do the traditional pardoning of the turkey today. After that, the turkey is going to Disneyland:

President Bush is set to make the traditional pardon of a Thanksgiving turkey today. But this bird isn’t heading to some petting zoo. It’s going to Disneyland.

The 35-pound Tom Turkey will be grand marshall of the Disneyland Thanksgiving Day parade.

And the big bird is flying west in style. After the reprieve on the White House lawn, the turkey and it’s alternate will be given a police escort to a Washington-area airport.

So, here we have our big federal government wasting money on buying a turkey. Then wasting money on security and knickknacks for the ceremony. Then wasting money on a police escort to the airport. Then wasting money to fly the bird to Disneyland. But that’s not my complaint here. My complaint is the message that this sends to the world. And that message is that our president is a pussy.

Yes, a pussy.

The White House will still have a Thanksgiving dinner and that dinner will feature meat which came from slaughtered animals. And the only difference between those slaughtered animals and the turkey is that the President hasn’t met them. He hasn’t looked them in the eye. Pardoning the turkey sends the wrong message to our enemies and, most importantly, our children. Do you think radical terrorist factions are scared of a country whose leader is unwilling to kill dinner? If the president can’t order the execution of a domesticated turkey after looking it in the eye, that definitely indicates our lack of resolve and makes us appear weak.

And instilling in our children this sense that all is fair and works out in the end for turkeys is a bit much. Face it kids, that nice dinner, the tryptophan-induced nap after, all the presents, and the month long consumer orgy known as The Holidays are tied to the death of an animal. An animal that is so stupid it will drown in the rain because it will stare up into the sky. The domesticated turkey is about as smart as a stapler. Actually, staplers may be smarter. I’ve never known of one to drown.

Not only should the president order the execution of the turkey, he should kill the gobbler himself. With his bare hands, while wearing a loin cloth. He should then rise, his body glistening with sweat and blood, and take a bite out of its head and display it proudly to the American people.

That’s what I’d do. Because I’m not a pussy.

Update: The AP:

President Bush spared two turkeys from becoming Thanksgiving dinner. Instead, the birds are going to Disneyland.

Thousands of people voted on the White House Web site to name the national turkey “Marshmallow” and an alternate called “Yam.” At a ceremony Tuesday, Bush peered into Marshmallow’s eyes, stroked its white fluffy feathers and patted its red head.

What a pussy. I guess he was scared because the turkeys outnumbered him. And the PETArds chime in:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which in the past has been critical because presidential turkeys have been sent to a working farm rather than an animal sanctuary, praised the decision to send them to Disneyland.

Wait, sparing them draws criticism?

“I don’t suppose we could have asked for better than Disneyland and southern California,” said Bruce Friedrich of PETA. “They’ll have mental and physical stimulation as well as proper care and a nice climate.”

Dude, they’re fucking turkeys.

11 Responses to “My Platform”

  1. Blake Says:

    I’d vote for ya

  2. robert Says:

    I think I’d forgo the loincloth and upgrade the wardrobe. You might even name the Turkey “Osama” before dispatching it to the kitchen. For the race angle, I’d get a big black cook in a tall hat to loom over one shoulder while you make the presentation. One that smokes cigars. Your quote: “Here’s what happens to your Islamofascist turkeys that want to return to the 4th Century.” KKKKaaaaaCHOP!

    I’m thinking Libertarian Party, but I’m behind you all the way. Where’s the button to Donate? Uncle for President! Call Cafe Express!

  3. Heartless Libertarian Says:

    Dude, does anyone besides your wife really want to see you in a loin cloth?

    Especially right before eating?

  4. SayUncle Says:

    My wife doesn’t want to see me in a loin cloth.

  5. tgirsch Says:

    Add “SayUncle in a loincloth” to the list of images I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to purge from my brain.

  6. Justin Buist Says:

    Order it’s execution? Screw that, draw a Katana and start swinging.

  7. Alcibiades Says:

    Well, at least Bush had Karla Faye Tucker executed. I know she didn’t have the brains or market value of a turkey, but it’s still something.

    Hey, if he did have the turkey killed, he could have named it Karla Faye Turkey in honor of her.

  8. Vol Abroad Says:

    If I were a turkey, I really don’t think I’d want to be grand marshall in a parade at Disneyland. I’d rather just peck some grubs.

  9. robert Says:

    I hadn’t thought about Karla Faye. Bush could have sved a fellow Christian. Chose not to. In fact, he’s used his pardon powers just a little more often than he has used his veto.

    Except for Iraq Bush has been a huge disapointment. IMPO.

  10. The Southfarthing Soapbox » Blog Archive » Says:

    […] Thoughts on the Thanksgiving Turkey […]

  11. persimmon Says:

    The fact that PETA thinks a noisy, crowded, busy environment like Disneyland would make a turkey happy proves just how little they actually understand the creatures they purport to defend. They are schmucks through and through.

Remember, I do this to entertain me, not you.

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