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Happy Independence Day

Reader Tim Sheehy wrote this and I said I’d publish hit so here you go.

This 4th of July be sure to:

Buckle your seatbelt,

Behave for the traffic cameras,

Patiently wait at the sobriety checkpoints and hold your tongue if you feel the police officer at that checkpoint is too inquisitive,

Don’t light up that cigarette to relax while you linger over dinner at your favorite restaurant,

Don’t let your 20 year old son or daughter just back from Iraq get their hands on a beer(the sense of responsibility needed to fight a war is nothing compared to the sense needed to drink responsibly)

Don’t let your suffering elderly parent get some much needed pain relief whether it be by marijuana(God forbid they became an addict) or painkillers(heaven help society if those pills wound up on the street),

Be grateful for the opportunity to hand over your home of 30 years so society can benefit from the newest parking lot/economic development/casino,

Make sure that the government has all the information/paperwork it needs to issue your driving/fishing/boating/cosmetology/manicurist/hunting/gun/massage/liquor/contractors license,

Be patient while the gun dealer finishes your background check (that threat directed against your family isn’t that serious),

Report all your political contributions,

Relax if you can’t find the free speech cage near the president’s speech (it’s only a half a mile that way),

Don’t get excited about the TSA agent molesting you at the airport (it’s for your safety),

Remember to attend the zoning meeting next week so you can get permission to put that garden shed in the backyard,

Be understanding when the DEA agents break down your door and shoot your teenager in the back (mistakes are bound to happen when dealing with such an omnipresent and malignant danger as drugs),

Smile when the nice policeman stops you on the street to inquire where you’re going, where you’ve been, who you were with, what you do for a living, and what your address and name are(as a convenience to the officer you can provide your ID papers),

Don’t let the threat of jail stop you from exposing government corruption if you’re a journalist,

Leave the aspirin at home if you’re a public school student(what’s a little migraine compared to the intrusion of drugs on school property – aspirins not an illegal drug? don’t be stupid, check that zero tolerance policy),

Make sure you’re aware of all acceptable points of view at your school if you’re a college student(wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings with offensive comments),

Accept that it’s better for a little child to move from foster home to foster home than to be adopted into your loving home if you’re gay,

If you’re not gay be glad we don’t just let any two consenting adults be declared legally a couple to receive the same insurance, tax and inheritance consideration that you do (that would be against God’s will and who wants to live in a country where the laws aren’t written by people channeling God),

Don’t bother changing the channel if you’re offended by what’s on TV(the FCC will be happy to take care of that for you),

Go to the library and read (as opposed to taking the books home, this way the FBI won’t know your taste in literature),

Happily pay that income, sales, alcohol, cigarette, gas, property, phone and inheritance tax,

Stop developing your property immediately if you should discover an endangered insect,

Write your congressman and tell him to vote to destroy an athlete’s career for one positive drug test and expand the power of law enforcement under the Patriot Act (I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry, these powers won’t be abused because law enforcement officials promised they won’t),

Sit back and relax if you’re in state government (after Raich there’s really not much left for you to do that the feds can’t handle),

And last but not least if you’re out on this 4th of July and the National Anthem is played snap to attention, take off your hat, salute and be thankful for your freedom.

Update: The reader chose to be identified, so I did.

6 Responses to “Happy Independence Day”

  1. Thibodeaux Says:


  2. David Codrea Says:

    And leave fireworks to the professionals!

  3. SayUncle Says:

    If you can buy fireworks where you live.

  4. Ozarks Nick Says:

    Wow. Just wow. So true. Powerful words.

  5. Gun-Toting Liberal Says:

    Damn good rant! Happy Independence Day y’all.

  6. hellbent Says:

    Good rant for the most part.

    To ensure compliance, I’m going to provide a complete list of the endangered insects of Tennessee, along with thorough descriptions for identification purposes and detailed accounts of their life histories and habitat requirements. Here goes:

    Complete List of Endangered Insects of Tennessee:

    Should you find any of these insects on your land, be sure not investigate conservation easements, educational and research grants, or ecotourism potential. Definitely don’t entertain profitable offers from Foothills Land Conservancy, The Nature Conservancy, or any other private organizations working to place real monetary value on rare ecological resources rather than relying on the power of government to preserve Creation. And by all means, read the species accounts thoroughly to avoid an embarassing misidentification.