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SayUncle Press Release

Assault SUVs – Washington DC

The answer is clear, we must ban them. For the children. These implements of death were only designed for one thing:

To run down as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time. Their high fuel capacity (some hold fifty gallons and are equipped with multiple fuel tanks!) only serve to let them run down more people for a longer period of time. These SUVs are often civilianized versions of military vehicles that have no place in civilized society.

“These vehicles serve no legitimate transportation purpose,” said a token hysterical representative of the activist group Sport Utilities Cause Killing (SUCK). “There is no need for these monstrosities when a nice Honda Civic will do,” SUCK continued “After all, a 113 pound women whose only significant cargo is a bag of groceries and a snotty 4 year-old doesn’t need one of these killing machines.”

Joe Bob, of the extremist SUV Lobby, said “What the Hell are you talking about? You know you people are crazy, right?”

The military features of these SUVs are designed to kill. Their high fuel capacity (can stay on the road longer to kill more), over-sized engines (more power means more squish), shitty turning radius (if they could turn on a dime, they’d kill less people), large tires and height from the ground (for clearing obstacles that get between them and killing people) only add to their killing efficiency. We must act now.

SayUncle asks congress now to enact a ban on these killing machines. For the children.

4 Responses to “SayUncle Press Release”

  1. SayUncle : Not feeling the funny Says:

    […] . Lunch. The last original humor piece I wrote of any substantial length or effort was in December. And not many prior to that for a while. I guess the realization […]

  2. Thibodeaux Says:


  3. Eric Scheie Says:

    I’m so glad you have embraced the cause. Only by working together can we stop SUV violence!

  4. cube Says:

    that is the funnier post i have read today,