How to get me to never read your site
As a reasonably successful (though I’m in a tight niche) blogger, I get lots of emails, chats, carrier pigeons, seeking links and promotion and whatnot. Here’s a handy guide on how to not get me to link to you ever:
First, automatically sign me up for your newsletter. That’s right. I love getting newsletters I never, ever signed up for. I love it like all other spam. And that’s exactly how I treat these. I label them as spam in gmail. Gmail remembers that and also uses that to classify your item as spam by other readers.
Send me your off-topic press release plugging a political candidate or political position. This is particularly effective when you can read my blog and tell pretty quickly that I find that particular candidate to be a shit head and that particular position to be retarded.
Similarly, put me on your mass email list. At least then, I take solace in the fact that I am part of a larger group of similarly annoyed people.
Send me an email every time you post something. You’re at least one step below spam in that you’re at least adding a personal touch to it. But, still, not a good plan. Occasional emails are good. Sending me one every time you have a funny story about your cat, not so much.
Up next, send me a link to your post on an issue/current event without even checking my site to see if I already covered it. Wow, not only are you annoying me, you’re also not even taking the time to read my site before annoying me.
Be a dickhead. If anyone dares disagree with you, become a frothy mouthed twit. Delete comments and call other peoples’ moms’ names. Of course, in this case, you could have a future working for the Brady Campaign. This will typically get you one link but it will be the last.
Ask for a spot on the blogroll, after all you were nice enough to link me! First, blogrolls don’t generally generate a lot of traffic. Second, no. I read what I read and that’s in my blogroll. Sorry, but if I put a link to everyone who asked, my page would be too long to load. Thems the breaks.
Ok, you’ve finally convinced me to read. So, now is a good time to drop off the face of the earth and not update again for like a month. That ensures I probably won’t be back next time.
And, no, I don’t mean you. I mean that other guy.
On a more serious note, how to get a link is pretty easy:
1- Buy an ad, guaranteed to work every time; unless you’re a truther or other total douchebag.
2 – And this requires some effort: plug your post not your blog. And don’t plug every post you ever write. For instance, I’m more likely to link to something if the email goes something like:
I noticed you were talking about X. Well, regarding X, I think Y . . . (then some detail)
3) Piss me off. Say something so irretrievably stupid that I simply cannot resist the urge to tell everybody on the internets how much smarter than you I am.
4) Leave insightful comments here. If you do, your name will usually show your URL. And I’ll think to myself Self, that is one smart cracker. I better check him/her out.
So, there you have it.
And, again, I don’t mean you. I mean that other guy.