The Airing of Grievances: Christmas
Because I’ve decided that airing grievances is fun and want to spread some holiday cheer. Remember, I do this to entertain me . . . not you.
Timing: The holiday season apparently starts right after Labor Day. The stores put their Christmas stuff out in September. This has to stop. A full one third of the fucking calendar year is the Christmas season. That’s stupid. Hell, let’s just make every day a holiday.
More timing: Every year, I put out Christmas decorations earlier and earlier. I’ve always been a Day After Thanksgiving guy myself. But that was back when I was a bachelor and my only Christmas decoration was a festive basket with pine cones in it. After thanksgiving, I’d put it on my coffee table and I was done. Now, decoration day is a full two weeks before then. And it takes up a whole weekend. And that’s just stupid too. One good thing is that the new pad is on a sloped yard and the house has two floors. So, the sides of the house are a full 80 feet off the ground. Therefore, for safety’s sake, I don’t decorate that side. My annual work has been reduced by two thirds.
Santa: He’s a fat bitch. Seriously, can’t we have someone who can teach our children a healthy lifestyle bring them cheer and presents? And how about a haircut and a shave? Right now, it looks like we have an overweight hippie in his damn jammies spreading cheer. Is he joyous from smoking dope? I prefer a nice, clean cut dude who looks healthy spreading wonder and amazement. ‘Cause when a hippie spreads wonder and amazement, you blame the weed.
To the guy in my neighborhood: Sorry, but a 15 feet tall inflatable Scooby Doo wearing a toboggan is not a Christmas decoration. It’s a fucking eyesore. It may have a date with my Gamo 220 Hunter.
Toboggan: To the people commenting on this post on roadside survival kits, when a white boy from Tennessee says toboggan, he means a wool knit hat not a sled. You really think I keep a big ass sled in my truck?