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The gospel according to snark

In the beginning, doG created the coming ice age or global cooling in order to, generally, get people to stop abusing the environment so much. And run articles in papers about how we must do something, like recycle. And start a little old-fashioned social engineering. But this was complete bullshit. Seems the earth had cooled for a few decades, as it is wont to do. And things perked right back up.

Yea, and doG said unto Abraham, it is now global warming that we’re experiencing and you will kill your son, global cooling. Shockingly, right after those decades of cooling we’d just experienced it may have gotten a little warmer. Unfortunately, in recent years the earth hasn’t actually warmed. At all. And every time Al Gore shows up somewhere, the inconvenient truth is that there is probably snow following around his earth-fucking private jet. So, that was kind of embarrassing. We’ve got social engineering to do. And we will not be stopped.

For doG so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son (named global warming) and sacrificed him upon the altar of shit that’s really happening. And if we all believe in him, we shall not perish but have everlasting life. And nanny statism. And so, climate change came to pass. But it was only a model. With bad, even falsified data, and there still wasn’t a whole lot in the way of warming. So, verily, better marketing was needed especially after that time those guys who went to look for the vanishing ice got stuck in the ice.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares doG, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future as the nanny state pricks you are. What with you’re being all preachy up your own ass and telling people what to do all the time.” And, hence, the new prophet is climate disruption. People, it seems, accepted “change” and thought that was kind of what the earth did, what with its ice ages and all. So, it needed more pizzazz. More Armageddon, end of the world, HOLY FUCKING SHIT type stuff.

Thusly and verily, doG’s disciples did go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the nanny statism and of alarmism and of the Holy Shit. And just jumped that shark and went with “climate chaos.” Yea, verily, at least chaos is kind of honest in that it means we can’t predict what’s going to happen next.

Oh and in 499 days, we’re all going to die. Peace be upon you.

14 Responses to “The gospel according to snark”

  1. Jay G. Says:

    Not preachy and cult-religiony enough to actually reflect the Church of Global Warming Global Cooling Climate Change Climate Disruption…

  2. ole meanie Says:

    where do they come up with this stuff? I guess recycling is their way, isn’t it? par for the course….

  3. joe in houston Says:

    I think you may have broken the snark-o-meter 🙂

  4. HardCorps Says:

    A+ !!!!

  5. wizardpc Says:

    I predict that the crisis after “climate disruption” will be…

    “Climate Stagnation”

    That will happen once normal people start noticing the lack of “climate disruption.”

  6. ErnestM Says:

    Glad I had a spare keyboard. I hate it when the coffee comes out my nose, though. 🙂

  7. The Jack Says:

    See… this is why experiments are so handy. That way you can make a prediction, and test out if you’re right.

    (And even better you can do the tests again and again with all sorts of different variances to figure out how things work)

    Alas, you can’t call up McMaster and order a crate of earths.

    So clearly the way to make up for this hurdle (hey astronomers are in that boat too [at least they’ve got a lot of stars they can look at]) is with arrogance and consensus.

    Because if science is about anything, it’s about shouting down skeptics and argument by peer pressure.

  8. Paul B Says:

    You got it right. Now if we can educate the yammering ninny’s that are in this boat with us.

  9. Donald L. Says:

    LOL Awesomeness right there.

  10. Kevin Baker Says:

    I recently started reading Twilight of Abundance: Why Life in the 21st Century will be Nasty, Brutish and Short. The author, David Archibald, says that “global cooling” is, in fact what’s going to happen because the sun is in a dormant phase, and based on past evidence, will remain so for the next decade-plus.

    It appears that this theory more closely matches reality that the global warming models have over the last two decades.

    David Archibald says, in effect, that “climate chaos” is going to occur, just not the way our supposed betters are telling us it will.

    I’m kind of looking forward to the Warmista’s explaining how “global warming” explains the Thames river freezing over again as it last did in 1963.

  11. The Jack Says:

    Kevin Baker: As Glenn Reynolds oft notes “Fallen Angels was just a science fiction novel. Right?”

  12. Sigivald Says:

    Stop begin a Gaia-raping “denier”, you monster.

    Non-predicting models are True Science, and you can’t argue against that. Literally. Because that’s how science works. Right?

  13. NotClauswitz Says:

    In order for the Social Engineering to actually work you need to have a good percentage of Really Stupid Peoples: something the esteemed Kevin Baker has also been documenting re: Educationalism. (See also Markaphasia)

  14. Jerry Says:

    Awww, you just made my bookface.