Stephen Colbert to Paul Helmke: Name a situation where you don’t need a gun.

No word on the number of luft balloons.

Heh.

Change I can believe in.

In my never ending quest for scientific research, I decided to Google up images of Marci Milfs to see if she lives up to her name. And if she’s offended by sexually charged books then she should never do that.

Well, except our kids and dogs.

Random conversation at my house.

We got new neighbors. I met them a bit ago and they have three dogs. They were telling me about their dogs, of which they are quite proud. Seems their dogs are a cross between a Pomeranian and a Chihuahua. I was telling my wife about the dogs and what they were a cross between. But, as I told her, I couldn’t recall what they were called (other than mutt). And then I said: If I were naming them, they’d be called Pomerhuahuas because that’s just fun to say. And Chimeranian, in addition to not being fun to say, sounds like a mythical beast.

Turns out, I was wrong on both counts and they’re called Pomchis.

Heh.

Labrat is blogging about boobies, tits, and melons.

You forgot jugs, racks, and knockers.

You’re scaring the white people.

Some guy in a meeting breaking bad news:

This is gonna go over like a fart in church.

Kim du Toit:

my favorites are the “agony” columns, in which (usually-female) journalists attempt to answer people’s questions and provide answers to personal problems, in the same manner, I suppose, in which celibate Catholic priests are supposed to solve marital and sexual problems or politicians cure us of corruption.

Ouchie.

Their new graphic:

Heh.

Apparently, there’s a more sophisticated way to say vote for me, you cousin-humping rednecks.

Or murder training?

Heh.

Now, I poke fun of Barack Smurfette Obama by always giving him a random middle name to make fun of the fact that we can’t mention his middle name without being called racists. But I’d never go that far.

Barack Monosodium Glutamate Obama was neck and neck with Hillsy last week. Now, Hillsy is rumored to be up 20 points.

When asked why, Obama replied with I dunno, you dumb cousin-humping redneck.

Some people load the magazines backward.

Ain’t that the truth. Good luck to Dr. McIntyre. Once a TeeVee station finds out how much you spent on groceries, you’re doomed.

Ya know, if you want to get a lot of people all riled up on the Internet, then advocate methods of zombie killing that they don’t approve of. I guess, also, if you’re gonna be killing zombies, it helps to do it to music. So, what songs are good for zombie killing? My choices would be:

Hatebreed - Destroy Everything - Duh, if that don’t make you want to kill zombies, nothing will.

Droid - Fueled by Hate - Ditto

Billy Joel - Piano Man - Because that song just pisses me off.

It’s getting harder and harder to come up with middle names for Barack Mojo Nixon Obama. And no one even comments on them anymore. Is teh funny gone?

* first person to get the reference gets the satisfying feeling that comes with being the first person to get the reference.

Heh.

Yeah, I’ve been there.

Via MKS.

I thought the Republican party was the the party of wealthy, white men?

Wheelchair fight begins in San Francisco

Needless to say, the image that initially popped into my head isn’t what the story actually talks about. Still, I bet a lot of people would pay money to see a wheelchair fight…

Yesterday, me and The Mrs. took the kids to Dollywood. On the way from the car to the entrance, it looked a bit cloudy as though it might rain. I said to the Mrs.: Maybe we should get the umbrella?

The Mrs.: What for?

Me (perplexed that she’s really asking what an umbrella would be used for): To fend off the lions.

Kinda funny to me that the NYT says that bloggers work too hard and on the exact same day do a story on something bloggers have been covering for a while: Mainstreaming survivalism. I’ve noted before that survivalism is even being taught to our kids.

Glenn says of me: Here’s a big bugout bag roundup, including firearms, from Say Uncle, though he unaccountably neglects the zombie angle, somewhat diminishing his credibility.

Well, firearms, other than double barrel shotguns at close range, are generally not effective against zombies. But, if you’re engaging zombies at close range, a chain saw is a much better weapon assuming you can somehow get into a position where the zombies are channeled in to you one at a time. A decapitated zombie is a friendly zombie.

An issue is that weapons that are effective against zombies tend to be heavily regulated. For instance, a zombie trap could work if you had some bait and an explosive. Getting your hand on the bait (tasty brains) is probably easier than getting your hands on a lawful explosive. After all, you could simply place the tasty brains with a trigger on them and the zombies, drawn by the brains, will blow themselves up.

But that’s dangerous, illegal, and a lot of work. An effective and legal way to deal with zombies: Flame throwers. Flame throwers are not regulated federally (after all, they’re just big squirt guns). You can even make them out of super soakers. As an added bonus, flame throwers make shoveling snow out of your driveway easy and fun.

Update: From comments, I see that some other experts say that setting zombies on fire is bad.

Ya know, Democrats get mad when you call their party the Democrat party instead of the Democratic party. I dunno why since this doesn’t seem very Democratic but does seem very Democrat:

Heh.

I know. Today is April 2nd and this should have been posted yesterday. But actually this is a true story.

CNN founder Ted Turner argued that inaction on global warming “will be catastrophic” and those who don’t die “will be cannibals.”

Even more shocking is that the mass cannibalism will happen in only ten to thirty years.

Not doing it will be catastrophic. We’ll be eight degrees hottest in ten, not ten but 30 or 40 years and basically none of the crops will grow. Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals.

Audio clip

Meow.

#4: They are all rich. I mean, who else would spend $900 on a $600 gun!

but this one almost got me.

Heh.

#3: Neither Heckler nor Koch is a German name. Heckler is English for a person who shouts an uninvited and disparaging comment. And Koch is English for about your weapon.

#2: The H&K MK23 is so named because it’s operators must have 23 inch biceps to wield the foot long, four pound monstrosity.

Larry (of Because you suck and we hate you fame) is addressing the HK Fanboys: here and here. Good stuff.

HK Fan Boy Fact: Most HK Fan Boys have never fired an HK.

Women must never touch guns!

Aunt B. on the obvious. Seriously, I’m trying to find that guy who keeps killing the oldest person in the world. He strikes like every two weeks and you read it in the news. Is no one else concerned?

nataliedee.com

I laughed hard. Via Breda.

An email from an old friend:

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going back to Medal of Honor, where the guns used are more accurately portrayed than in any AP story.