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The top 5 random things that I want to talk about

1) listicles

The word has been added to the dictionary. It’s an article that is comprised of a list of some number of some adjectives describing some noun for some stupid fucking reason. Also, they often contain vulgarities. So fuck you err, you’ve been warned. These are the bread and butter of several websites, like cracked or buzzfeed, who decide to come up with a random list of shit they want to talk about and they scour google images for 5 minutes to steal someone else’s images and take other content and add vulgarities. So, in that tradition, here’s the image I ganked:

Screen-Shot-2014-01-01-at-10.54.03-PM

Yeah, baby, Listicerrific.

The basic order seems to be some listicle site steals images from 4chan. Then the listicle’s site has it’s images stolen from someplace else. Then they wind up on the message board you still read or facebook. And everyone feels all hip.

2) Crossfit

Oh, and the image usually comes first. It’s as though this internet writing is formulaic or something. So, here you go:

Cross

Yeah, we know. You talk about it all the time. It’s like the Scientology of exercise with the recruiting and the yammering. We get it. But stop fucking talking about it all the time. I introduced two of my friends that do crossfit to eachother hoping they’d talk amongst themselves and leave me alone. But no. They both started talking to me about it. Fuck!

You like to win at exercise. Good for you. But I can find more fruitful things to do at 5:30 in the AM than hitting a tractor tire with a sledgehammer.

3) Not Robin Williams.

4) Phalaris

This guy was a major dick. It wasn’t enough that he was a tyrant. Oh crap, forgot the pic. I’ll get better:

640px-Pierre_Woeiriot_Phalaris

Where was I? Oh yeah, he was a major fucking dick. It wasn’t enough to be a tyrant. He had to kill his subjects in a spectacularly cruel way. So, he had someone build the Brazen Bull. It was a large, hollow bull made of bronze. And it had a door. A person who pissed off Phalaris would be placed into the bull and a fire would be lit under it. And the person would be cooked a live. And the way the bull was designed, the screams of the condemned would echo through the bronze and sound like the bellowing of an angry bull. It wasn’t enough that Phalaris would execute the criminal, he’d usually throw the accused’s family in there with him. Because he was a dick.

He even threw the guy that designed and built it in there so he could experience it from the inside and adjust it so it made more terrifying sounds. He let the inventor out. And, for his trouble, the inventor was thrown off a cliff instead of getting the riches he was promised. Because Phalaris was major dick even to other major dicks.

The only happy part of the story is that Phalaris, after being overthrown, was tossed in there and cooked alive.

5) Ferguson

trayvon-martin-sfSpan

I got the picture in first that time. I’m getting the hang of it.

The press is giving him the Martin treatment. All the photos of the guy that was shot in the press are nice but you can see the gang sign photos elsewhere.

The trouble with posting the pic first is that you have to talk about the pic and not what you want to say. So, let’s do that.

For some unknown reason, the cops shot a young and unarmed black man. The cops say he went for a gun. Witnesses say he had his hands up. Who do you believe? If you’re like me, you’re not sure either side is being 100% truthful. Cops overreact often when there’s a black man involved.

But citizens shouldn’t react to that by rioting and looting. And the police shouldn’t react to the rioting and looting by turning Ferguson into what Fallujah looked like a few years ago. And some bedwetter at the WaPo wonders why libertarians are silent on this whole police militarization thing. We’re not, you willfully ignorant fuck. We’ve been going on about it for years. But, since Ferguson, here’s a few examples.

Hey I did a listicle. I feel dirty.

Oh, and penguins used to be 5 feet tall.

25 Responses to “The top 5 random things that I want to talk about”

  1. Paul Kisling Says:

    Bet that bull would be worth a fortune today.

  2. Michael Says:

    Can we ban the word “listicle”?

  3. MattW Says:

    This should be a regular feature of the blog… I found it far more entertaining than I should have

  4. steve voss Says:

    You keep using that word “citizen” and I don’t think it means what you want it to mean. The rioters in Ferguson are not citizens, they are serfs…or worse.

  5. nk Says:

    Is crossfit another word for high school gym class?

  6. guy Says:

    But citizens shouldnít react to that by rioting and looting.

    I really have a hard time with the ‘1) cop shoots unarmed black dude, 2) black dudes burn down the corner quickie mart – owned by a black dude’ progression.

    If the cops kill one of your fellow citizens, you kill 10 of them.

    No?

  7. comatus Says:

    Anybody who has ever had to hit a tractor tire with a sledgehammer at 5:30 in the morning feels a little put-upon by yupsters moving in on our turf. Field. Jobsite. Whatever.

    Perhaps a lengthy discourse on why the tire needed to be dismounted, and the details of the job involved, would run them off. They don’t like “purposive activity” (that’s Randian for “work.”)

    The trouble with work as exercise, I’ve found over the years, is that it’s seldom low-impact. Step up, lads.

  8. Kevin Baker Says:

    So, those short “What kind of X are you?” and “Can you answer these questions about Y?” quizzes would then be called “testicles”?

  9. mikee Says:

    I’m not sure I approve of the way this blog is headed with this post. I don’t come here to see what other blogs are doing, I come here for the same old stuff you always used to do.

    This constant noticing of the outside world is annoying, like much of the outside world.

  10. Sid Says:

    I need to read more about penguins.

  11. ProdigalSon Says:

    Crossfit is sort of the opposite of Fight Club: the first rule of Crossfit is never shut the **** up about Crossfit.

  12. Chris Says:

    @mikee +1

  13. JKB Says:

    Wait, are you saying emperor penguins aren’t all that special? Damn corporations. They must be the Napoleons of the flightless bird world.

    And how privileged are these tractor tire whackers? Tractor tires are expensive.

  14. mikee Says:

    I retract my post above, because it was approved by another commenter.

    Nothing personal Chris, my comment just wasn’t serious.

    I guess I still haven’t gotten over the end of du Toit’s blog.

  15. Tim Says:

    Emperor Penguins aren’t 5-feet tall, but they’re close: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emperor_penguin.

    The Little America inn in Wyoming has one stuffed in their lobby. I have fine memories of traveling with my grandparents in the summer and seeing it there in the lobby. The staff never decorated the penguin, and are the manager is known to respond when asked why: “The management doesn’t allow joviality with the penguin.”

  16. Paul B Says:

    I miss Kim as well. He did have a good handle on the clue meter.

  17. Patrick Says:

    I just got back in the house from installing 200 foot of fence line for a new pig grazing area. By myself.

    Where are some of these crossfit people, when I need two? Or ten?

    Seriously, I’ll let them take turns between who gets to use the drop hammer, pull the 200 pound rolls of fence, swing the ax to knock down trees, or kick things that are not moving far enough with hands alone. They can count reps, and if they want I’ll even give them a cadence.

    There should be a service. Some kind of site where I can give these poor underworked souls a chance to redeem their hipster ennui for honest-to-God work cred.

    I even have a tractor tire they could dismount.

  18. Standard Mischief Says:

    Who are you and what did you do with the real SayUncle?

  19. Sean D Sorrentino Says:

    More original posts, please. I’d say “more thinky and less linky,” but it’s not the thinky that’s funny, and I demand my full US RDA of linkitude.

  20. Austrian Anarchy Says:

    I’ve always said that Maddox would be the perfect guest blogger for this site. Thank you!

  21. Jerry Says:

    Kim the what?

  22. Daniel in Brookline Says:

    When Sean said. And “listicles” is bad enough… but “listerific” sounds like a mouthwash commercial.

  23. Critter Says:

    “listicles” sounds like something you go to a doctor for.

  24. Manish Says:

    I’m not sure what happened in Ferguson that fateful day…however, I do know that a cop shouldn’t escalate someone walking on the road into a death. Cops are trained to not pursue getaway cars as the risk of a crash with an innocent bystander is too great. Similarly with this situation, I think the cop had better things to do than hassle someone walking in the middle of the road.

  25. Austrian Anarchy Says:

    Manish, the cop didn’t escalate it, the punk who punched an armed man in the face did. You know, the idiot who was walking down the middle of the street instead of off to the side or on a sidewalk. The one who punched a poor store clerk in the face so he could steal some Swisher Sweets.

    You know, the one who must have pulled this crap many, many times and got away with it so often he felt bold enough to punch someone who is guaranteed to be armed.