Not down with OPC
Other people’s children, that is.
Me and the Mrs. took Junior to Splash Country yesterday. For you non-local folks, it’s a water park operated by Dollywood. We had a good time. Now, not all kids can be perfect like mine so let’s talk about your kids and how I hate them. Well, OK, not you specifically but you in the general sense. And not your kids that I hate, really, but your parenting or lack thereof. And not hate so much as generally annoyed by them.
First thing I noticed about your kids is they can’t read. We were at the water park and they have this special section for small kids (think toddlers) that is about 1.5 feet deep max. There are also a various water guns set up to squirt other folks and little fountains that shoot out of the water. This is not the place you should take a kid who is starting to grow whiskers. He should be wearing his big-boy pants and riding the big boy rides. There are signs with the height requirements and some of the features say anyone above a certain height must be accompanied by a kid. But pimply faced, hairy kids with cracking voices were every where. As my dad would say You’re big enough to whip a bear with a flyswatter. You don’t need to be in the kiddie pool.
Second thing I noticed about your kids is that, well, they’re fat. Not sure why it is but there were a lot of morbidly obese kids at the water park. I don’t mean obese as in baby fat and kinda cute. I mean I saw an eight year old with stretchmarks. I saw two sisters who were maybe nine years old and both were rather rotund. Seriously, I think if about four specific kids had simultaneously gotten out of pool area, the shift in water volume would have created a small scale tidal wave.
The third thing I noticed about your kids is that they’re inconsiderate shits. There’s a water slide at the kiddie pool and Junior and I would ascend the ladder, wait our turn, and go down the slide together (remember, I had to be accompanied by her). Now, quite a few of the other kids (who were all unsupervised) would just run to the front, cut in, and hop on the slide. The lifeguard lady tried to stop this at the start but eventually just gave up. Learned helplessness I suppose. On our last trip up, there was another father there with his little girl. He mentioned to me that one particular inconsiderate shit had gone down the slide three times while he waited. He pointed her out. Then, she came for the fourth cut in. This particular father had a jarhead haircut and a USMC tattoo and he’d had enough. He gently grabbed the kid’s arm and told her she needed to wait her turn like everyone else. She did and other parents applauded. Now, Junior was starting to catch on to the line-cutting thing and kept trying to run up to the slide. I’d pull her back and say Let’s wait our turn, honey. I’m trying to teach her a lesson and it is don’t be an asshole.
The fourth thing is your kids are kinda dumb. There were rocks and things on the edges that were slick and they kept climbing up there. The lifeguard would shoo them away. And they’d do it again. One kid fell. Also, there are various water cannons stationed at various spots. You can grab one and shoot away at other folks. This is fine if you want to shoot me, after all I came to get a bit wet. However, shooting at a mother carrying a baby that is just a few months old or shooting at a toddler who can barely walk is just fucking stupid.
So, generally speaking, I don’t like your kids much.