Ammo For Sale

« « Well, that’s frightening | Home | Fun was had by all » »

Holiday Cheer

It’s the end of the year, holiday time. A time for reflection. A time for a look back. A time to be thankful that the baby Jesus was born, died and resurrected as a fat guy, who delivers presents, chants Kujichagulia through a menorah during his month long fasting because he’s trying to lose all that weight. Or something, I tend to get my holidays confused. I think it may also involve fireworks. It’s also Festivus, which completely unlike the aforementioned holiday montage, is actually made up. As part of Festivus, we are to air our grievances. Tommy wants someone to start so I’ll start with a list of shit I hate:

People who use non-standard, colorful fonts in their email

People who don’t flush toilets

People who don’t realize that in email there are separate buttons for Reply and Reply To All

Gum on sidewalks

When people make weak coffee. Here’s a newsflash, if you like weak coffee, you can add water to strong coffee. Those of us that like it strong can’t make weak coffee stronger, unless we use instant coffee which happens to taste like ass.

People who can’t walk with either a distinct sense of purpose or in a straight line. Walk through the mall and there will eventually be a dumbass in front of you who you’ll try to get around. They will zig to the left and zag to the right getting in your way both times without a clue they’re doing it. Those are the morons I mean. If you’ve never seen these people, you are these people. Walk like you have a sense of purpose or, at least, like you know where you’re going.

Hidden songs on CDs. Hey, dumbass, how am I supposed to get to the song when it’s after the 10 minutes of silence after the last song.

The 20 minute feedback/wall of noise/jam session at the end of recorded songs. No one wants to hear that unless they’re at a show and had a beer or 6. Save that shit for concerts.

People who drive in the left lane who are not passing or turning.

Knoxville traffic.

When I’m checking out the donut spread and I grab what I think is a custard filled donut but it turns out to be lemon. Lemon donuts? What the Hell?

Computer applications, particularly GMail, that set focus or whatever the Hell it is that causes them to think they’re the most important application I’m running on the computer. Apparently, it has decided it’s so important that it should be the top window.

Coffee stir sticks/straws. Seriously, these things are so thin they cannot adequately stir coffee (which SayUncle happens to take with a little sugar and he likes it strong). I always wind up using three of them to get an adequate level of stirriness*. Why not just make the damn things three times thicker?

* People who make up words.

People who insist that I call them Mr., Mrs., Ms. or Doctor [their last name].

People who think turn signals are completely optional.

Websites whose main page (i.e., the one that ends in .com, .net, etc.) has a Click To Enter link. Obviously, I want to enter or I wouldn’t be there.

Sweaters. Can’t stand them yet every year the wife buys me one.

When people post lists of stuff they hate.

Crappy TeeVee shows turned into crappy movies.

And a Meppy Chrisamadkwanzakuh to you, unless you’re an overly sensitive shit stirrer. In which case, piss off.

Update: More airing of grievances here, here and here. My favorites:

Mentos! Fresh maker my ass!

People who walk around with the little wireless phone earpiece thing: you’re not a secret service agent, you’re one step away from being the homeless dude pushing the shopping cart talking to himself.

When my dog farts, it smells like a tire fire. I tell him this, but he seems proud of the fact. And his flatulence entertains him, so who am I to take that away from him?

And Les says people who don’t signal aren’t assholes but they’re out of blinker fluid.

19 Responses to “Holiday Cheer”

  1. Bruce Says:

    “Coffee stir sticks/straws. Seriously, these things are so thin they cannot adequately stir coffee (which SayUncle happens to take with a little sugar and he likes it strong). I always wind up using three of them to get an adequate level of stirriness*. Why not just make the damn things three times thicker?”

    Exactly! Like using the wrong end of a canoe paddle.

  2. Bruce Says:

    And it’s not the fonts in the e-mails that get me, it’s the people who use those annoying background “wallpapers”. As if what they’re writing isn’t uninteresting enough on its own merits, now I have to wait for this crappy scenic autumn leaves background crap to load before I can read whatever crap it is they’ve sent me.

  3. Kirk Says:

    Lemon Donuts ROCK…

  4. SayUncle Says:

    Maybe but they suck when you’re expecting custard.

  5. Rick DeMent Says:

    God the whole turn signal thing … I once saw the best bumper sticker …

    Forget about World Peace, visualize using your turn signal.

    Pure genius.

    And in the words of Gene Autry (on his immortal album Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer),

    Happy Holidays folks, where ever you may be!

  6. Drake Says:

    When faced with those roving idjits in the mall or wherever they cannot walk straight I do my damnest to get in front of them and fart. Small and petty I know, but I am a small and petty man.

  7. drstrangegun Says:

    For decent instant, try Nestle’s with chicory. It’s hard to find sometimes though. It’s decent because it doesn’t pretend to taste like coffee, it’s something else entirely 🙂

    Sorry about the MP5K malf’ing last night, it’s getting some age on it…

  8. SayUncle Says:

    Uh oh, another blogger was there. So, which one were you?

  9. drstrangegun Says:

    I handed you the rifles 🙂 Mike, btw

  10. SayUncle Says:

    So, is there anyone there who doesn’t have a blog?

  11. Lean Left » Festivus Grievances Says:

    […] Via SayUncle, we learn that this is the time of year to celebrate “Festivus,” by airing our list of grievances. I’ll bite. My grievances are against: […]

  12. drstrangegun Says:

    A few. We’re well over half blogified. In fact the shop itself has a blog… coalcreekarmory.blogspot

  13. Drake Says:

    A blog I visit daily since Uncle pointed me there.

  14. Zendo Deb Says:

    knoxville doesn’t have traffic…. try spending one week in San Jose, California (I won’t suggest anyone spend a week in LA, as the air causes lung cancer!)

    If that’s too far try Chicago traffic – but wait for warmer weather!

  15. anonny Says:

    I hate it when people drink their cocktails with the stirrer….it’s a STIRRER not a STRAW!

  16. FreedomSight Says:

    […] SayUncle gets another blog meme going.It’s the end of the year, holiday time. A time for reflection. A time for a look back. A time to be thankful that the baby Jesus was born, died and resurrected as a fat guy, who delivers presents, chants Kujichagulia through a menorah during his month long fasting because he’s trying to lose all that weight. Or something, I tend to get my holidays confused. I think it may also involve fireworks. It’s also Festivus, which completely unlike the aforementioned holiday montage, is actually made up. As part of Festivus, we are to air our grievances. Tommy wants someone to start so I’ll start with a list of shit I hate:I can get into that. I’ll start of by seconding one of Uncle’s:People who can’t walk with either a distinct sense of purpose or in a straight line. Walk through the mall and there will eventually be a dumbass in front of you who you’ll try to get around. They will zig to the left and zag to the right getting in your way both times without a clue they’re doing it. Those are the morons I mean. If you’ve never seen these people, you are these people. Walk like you have a sense of purpose or, at least, like you know where you’re going.These people seem to have an uncanny sixth sense about which direction it is you’re moving to try to walk around them, because they invariably swerve in that direction. A very close second to this are the people who, using their cart and shopping partner(s), manage to block the entire aisle, so there’s no path around them on either side. To paraphrase the B-52s, they’re shopping in their own private grocery store. On to the list […]

  17. DADvocate Says:

    I’ll go with the aimless wandering people in the mall, Walmart, or where ever. But add the ones who block the aisle or junction of aisles while they stop to talk or peruse the merchandise. I’m always tempted to show then how, if they positiioned their shoppiing cart slightly differently, stood to one side a little further, or ate more so their butt would be bigger, that they could completelyl block access three or four aisleways at one time. I’m convinced that three or four people like this could shut down an entire Super Walmart.

  18. tgirsch Says:

    anonny:

    I hate it when people drink their cocktails with the stirrer….it’s a STIRRER not a STRAW!

    Then why do they make it hollow?

  19. SayUncle » The Airing of Grievances: Grievances Past Says:

    […] Last year’s grievances: […]