It’s the end of the year, holiday time. A time for reflection. A time for a look back. A time to be thankful that the baby Jesus was born, died and resurrected as a fat guy, who delivers presents, chants Kujichagulia through a menorah during his month long fasting because he’s trying to lose all that weight. Or something, I tend to get my holidays confused. I think it may also involve fireworks. It’s also Festivus, which completely unlike the aforementioned holiday montage, is actually made up. As part of Festivus, we are to air our grievances. Tommy wants someone to start so I’ll start with a list of shit I hate:
People who use non-standard, colorful fonts in their email
People who don’t flush toilets
People who don’t realize that in email there are separate buttons for Reply and Reply To All
Gum on sidewalks
When people make weak coffee. Here’s a newsflash, if you like weak coffee, you can add water to strong coffee. Those of us that like it strong can’t make weak coffee stronger, unless we use instant coffee which happens to taste like ass.
People who can’t walk with either a distinct sense of purpose or in a straight line. Walk through the mall and there will eventually be a dumbass in front of you who you’ll try to get around. They will zig to the left and zag to the right getting in your way both times without a clue they’re doing it. Those are the morons I mean. If you’ve never seen these people, you are these people. Walk like you have a sense of purpose or, at least, like you know where you’re going.
Hidden songs on CDs. Hey, dumbass, how am I supposed to get to the song when it’s after the 10 minutes of silence after the last song.
The 20 minute feedback/wall of noise/jam session at the end of recorded songs. No one wants to hear that unless they’re at a show and had a beer or 6. Save that shit for concerts.
People who drive in the left lane who are not passing or turning.
When I’m checking out the donut spread and I grab what I think is a custard filled donut but it turns out to be lemon. Lemon donuts? What the Hell?
Computer applications, particularly GMail, that set focus or whatever the Hell it is that causes them to think they’re the most important application I’m running on the computer. Apparently, it has decided it’s so important that it should be the top window.
Coffee stir sticks/straws. Seriously, these things are so thin they cannot adequately stir coffee (which SayUncle happens to take with a little sugar and he likes it strong). I always wind up using three of them to get an adequate level of stirriness*. Why not just make the damn things three times thicker?
* People who make up words.
People who insist that I call them Mr., Mrs., Ms. or Doctor [their last name].
People who think turn signals are completely optional.
Websites whose main page (i.e., the one that ends in .com, .net, etc.) has a Click To Enter link. Obviously, I want to enter or I wouldn’t be there.
Sweaters. Can’t stand them yet every year the wife buys me one.
When people post lists of stuff they hate.
Crappy TeeVee shows turned into crappy movies.
And a Meppy Chrisamadkwanzakuh to you, unless you’re an overly sensitive shit stirrer. In which case, piss off.
Mentos! Fresh maker my ass!
People who walk around with the little wireless phone earpiece thing: youíre not a secret service agent, youíre one step away from being the homeless dude pushing the shopping cart talking to himself.
When my dog farts, it smells like a tire fire. I tell him this, but he seems proud of the fact. And his flatulence entertains him, so who am I to take that away from him?
And Les says people who don’t signal aren’t assholes but they’re out of blinker fluid.