Don’t forget: “ass-trumpet” and “tailwind”

Which reminds me: You know why trees around here stink so bad?

They just stand around breaking wind all day.

It makes the Mrs. want to gag, though.

Anyway, unrelated to that, they began to find all kinds of ways out of the fence, so I took the fence down and stopped letting them out off-leash. Mysteriously they quit popping tarts. The moral of the story? Avert your eyes if you’re easily grossed out. Turns out they were cleaning up after themselves when we weren’t watching. Since they can’t eat butt muffins now, they’ve toned down. They still shock us from time to time, especially when we’re all relaxed on the bed and the spray is out of reach.

My wife always knows when I’m blaming the dog for my own frappuccino, because mine are usually audible, whereas the dog’s are not.

She would get up from where she was laying, walk in to where you were, let one rip, and then walk away, wagging her tail.

The folks have a pug, now. I was there around Christmas, and the pug surprises me one morning by running upstairs and getting in bed with me.

I’m lying there, almost asleep again, when I hear “pffft.” I’d almost dismissed it for the dog moving against the fabric of the bedspread, when the smell hit me. It was like a tire fire and a chicken coop, all rolled into one horrible smell.